New blog and website

Note as of April, 2014: Hello All! I am consolidating my writings into a new blog- Walking in Wholeness: Insights into God, Medicine and Healing. I will no longer be posting to this blog, so I invite you to subscribe to the new one! Thanks and God bless

Saturday, June 23, 2012

The Principle of Gratitude

Prophet Doug Addison ( has mentioned several times over the past couple of months that God's people are in a season of change, and that God is bringing new alignment and new assignments to those who love and follow Him. As this occurs, He is also uprooting and removing the old and unprofitable, to make room for the new and to heal what has been broken or lost in people's lives over the past decade.

The truth of Doug's words has been hitting my life like a hurricane; in the seemingly insignificant, as well as larger, aspects of my life. Over the past six weeks, I have witnessed radical changes in my health- greater energy and stamina, sounder sleep, a stronger, clearer mind, fewer tears, and renewed hope in my spirit. It has been a welcome departure from the crushing insomnia, fatigue, depression and "God-just-let-me-die" hopelessness that has assaulted me since last October. Never mind that the devil has retaliated by incapacitating my right arm with carpal something-or-other and that last weekend I discovered two hollow black circles on my back which sent me into an emotional tailspin. Only after I received some intense prayer was I able to convince myself that even if I did have a skin cancer, it wasn't melanoma, and God would get rid of it because He's been pretty clear with me-through a thousand and one prophecies and in my personal conversations with Him- that He's nowhere near done with me yet.

I know good things are coming. I know it because the devil is nipping at my heels with new problems just as healing and other blessings are being placed in my path. The enemy's tactics have become tiresome, and in my weariness, I can't help but wonder on some days if my writing career will halted by the pain in my arm or if I will really see the fulfillment of all that God intends for me. But then He reminds me to look at what He has done in my life thus far, what He is doing, and what He has promised to do, and as I do, joy touches the edges of my heart, and my spirit is encouraged.

The winds of change have also sent new work opportunities and acquaintances my way; new friends, spiritual mentors and business contacts. As part of the removing of what is unprofitable, God has been pruning-and even uprooting- my relationships. Sadly, as part of this process, I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends- somebody I loved very much- but God's strength and peace accompanied me as I made the decision, knowing that it was for his best and mine to let the relationship go.

But that's not all. God's hand has been moving me to new places in my healing ministry, and I have witnessed more of His love, presence and power whenever I pray for others.

God has been changing the little things in my life, too. For example, He's encouraged me to start buying my groceries directly from an organic farm. To join Pilates again. To set up a new work station at home. Things that don't seem like much, but which are a larger reflection of the work that He's doing in me, and part of the season of change that I, and so many others, are in.

I still don't sleep great some nights and I can't get up before 9 AM most days. I can barely work at the computer because my arm is on fire (and this may be, in fact, the last post I do until I am healed of the problem). I wish I could climb mountains and roller blade like most people my age. And as my 38th birthday approaches, regret over the years that I have lost to trauma and disease yet nags at my soul.

But the tide is turning, and God keeps sending me a singular, powerful message; See what I have done, and am doing in your life, and be thankful for these things! Praise Me for my goodness. Keep your eyes on My promises- those which are being fulfilled, and those which have yet to be fulfilled. Don't look down at your feet, where the enemy is nipping at your heels. Look up at Me; focus your gaze Heavenward, and thank Me that my will is being accomplished in your life.

His admonishment is that my gaze would not be on the black spot on my back; that I would not catastrophize my inability to write; that I would not tell myself that my newfound feelings of wellness are part of some temporary high. That I would realize that the new opportunities that He's given me aren't just another means for my survival; but rather, seeds for the ultimate fulfillment of His plan for my life.

I don't believe God wants to make our lives perfect. The prosperity gospel is a farce. It wouldn't fly, anyway, in parts of the world where hardship is a daily reality. But God does make certain promises to those of us who would believe in Him and His love for us. He promises to heal us; in body, mind and Spirit. He promises to make us co-laborers in His kingdom, which means giving us the mind of Christ, and the power of the Holy Spirit, to set people free, from the bondage of sickness, soul wounds and sin. And He promises to provide for us, if we trust Him and follow His lead.

I don't understand His ways, and why the fulfillment of His promises isn't always immediate. But if there is one thing I'm learning- it's that when I thank Him for what He has done for me, it opens the door for me to receive more from Him. Whenever my gaze shifts to His work and His hand upon my life, rather than upon the enemy's meager attempts to destroy me, my faith grows, and more of His blessings are released into my life. It's not a performance thing; it's a spiritual law, and a principle of the Kingdom of Heaven.

So I praise Him for today; for Jesus, for life eternal, for healing, and, for the winds of change, which are sweeping away the debris and what is unprofitable in my life, to make room for the new.

May you be blessed in this season of change, too.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

From Performance to Papa's Lap

You don't need answers to all of your problems as much as you need to know who I Am for you. You don't need solutions as much as you need to see My face.

God gave me these words several months ago, during one of my encounters with Him, when I came pleading for the right path to take in a certain area of my life. When most of us go to God, we want solutions for our life's problems. We want Him to tell us what to do, where to go, with whom we should spend our hours, and how to pray.

My desire for solutions is sometimes birthed out of a fear that I won't be taken care of by God; that I'll make a terrible mistake if I don't hear Him right. The quest for answers comes cloaked in humility as I tell myself that I'm just trying to be obedient to God. But in reality, what I want is control over my life.

But sometimes His solution is simply for me to sit with Him. To find safety in His lap. To be with Him, knowing that He will never leave nor forsake me- because in knowing Him I find the way.

Increasingly, I'm realizing that I don't need solutions for all of my problems as much as I need His presence. Today, as I received prayer in the healing rooms at one of the most powerful and Spirit-filled churches in the nation, I told my two compassionate prayer ministers that I would rather continue to suffer with health problems my entire life than miss out on knowing how much God loves me.

I'm that convicted about it now, but I also know that the more of His love that I receive, the more I will be healed, and the more that life will go well for me- at least, inwardly.

When I traveled to Bethel this week to receive prayer for physical healing, I was aware that God would probably be working more on my spirit than on my body. Bethel is known worldwide for its healing miracles, and while my limbs ache to be fully healed, my soul longs for an even deeper healing.

And so it has been this week, that God has been cementing into my soul the reality that freedom lies in intimacy with Him; in knowing the Who of life so I can navigate the What and How of life.

I've fervently pursued a relationship with God for over a decade now, but much of this relationship has been based upon my suffering, and a sorry-please-thank you list, designed to get Him to move on my behalf, that I might be freed from a lifetime of bondage to soul sickness and physical infirmity.

Unfortunately, the influence of unhealthy relationships in my life has created within me a tendency to pursue the bondage of a performance-based relationship with God, which is based upon a list of "To do's" and pleas to rescue me (as if He were reticent to do so).

As I received prayer today from the healing ministers, I realized that my moments of climbing into God's lap have been too few; that dancing and laughing with Him and sensing His delight over me as I do what He's created me to do, have been the exception rather than the rule. That while I share everything with Him, I struggle to see Him at times as my best friend and my beloved Papa- as the One who desires to dote upon me, play with me, and hold me in His arms.

And yet, these are the kinds of things that He longs to do with His children. But suffering has blinded me, and at times, I have viewed the trials that I have gone through as confirmation of His disapproval of me (never mind that the Bible teaches that all those who are obedient to God will endure trials!).

It's hard to sit in Papa's lap when an undercurrent of His (apparent) disapproval colors your conscience red with shame.

Fortunately, the longer I walk with the Lord, the more He sets me free from shame and performance-based relationship. And this week at Bethel, He invited me again to lay aside my grief, and relate to Him in new ways that transcend my suffering and need to "do it all right."

Just be , He kept saying to me. Just be.

I want to know what it looks like to be daily embraced by my Daddy. To sense His pleasure over me. To walk with Him in the cool of the evening, without an agenda. To talk to Him about life, without a laundry list of requests filling up the minutes.

Don't get me wrong. God delights in requests, and that we would come to Him for solutions to all of life's issues, but a relationship with Him isn't meant to be task-oriented.

Today, God also revealed to one of my ministers that I used to draw and paint as a child. I was a gifted artist in my youth (so much so that my kindergarten art teacher contacted my parents after I had reached adulthood, just to find out whether I had become an artist!). My parents told him no, but that my sister had become a professional painter. Still, I loved creating art, and through the prayer minister, God said to me, I loved to watch you paint. I delighted in the works you created.

And as I received those prophetic words, and many others, I felt another layer of my performance onion getting peeled, and I got another glimpse of what it means to walk in intimate relationship with God.

God doesn't ask us to know how to do relationship with Him. He doesn't demand that we be saints. He doesn't expect us to know how to love others, and to walk in obedience. We can only give Him who we are- and that includes all of our garbage, pain and emotional baggage, and expect Him to cleanse and heal us. The wounded soul cannot heal itself, and I'm learning that God doesn't need my efforts to receive His love, because striving to give and receive love is a hallmark sign of performance-based relationship.

He must pour it into me, and break down the walls that I, by my efforts, cannot tear down. My job is only to come to Him, trusting that He will do as He has promised. To set this captive free. For He has said, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7, NIV).

Sometimes, receiving is a process, and the door seems to linger ajar, but He who is faithful has promised to redeem His saints.
May He show us all how to relate to Him as a loving Father, friend and lover, and may He help us to cast works-based relationship by the wayside.