New blog and website

Note as of April, 2014: Hello All! I am consolidating my writings into a new blog- Walking in Wholeness: Insights into God, Medicine and Healing. I will no longer be posting to this blog, so I invite you to subscribe to the new one! Thanks and God bless

Friday, April 6, 2012

Knowing The Power of His Death and Resurrection...

It's been a rough week. But I guess this was a rough week for Jesus, too, 2012 years ago. To put it mildly.

Night terrors, sleep apnea, and relentless insomnia are making a soup of my brain and body. My chest aches, and I push myself to prepare another cup of coffee, in the hopes that I might manage three hours of writing today. I'm weeks behind on my work deadlines.

But I guess that's beside the point. On this sacred day, instead of awakening and bowing my head in reverence and gratitude to my Savior, for giving up His life for me on a Cross 2012 years ago, I emerged from bed with curses on my lips, foul language and accusations against my God. The enemy took advantage of my sleep deprivation to cast me into a litany of lies and melodramatic pleas to God to heal me or take me out of this world.

What demon has taken over my mind today, on this Good Friday? What part of me doesn't understand what Jesus purchased for me at Calvary, and the power that He has given me to overcome?

Opposing thoughts rage in my biochemically-imbalanced brain. It seems God has allowed an army of ten thousand demons to come against me, but where is He as their arrows fly fast and furious towards me? In my delusion, I accuse Him of just standing by and watching, as the arrows penetrate my heart. He waits for me to do something that I decide I cannot do, because the battle against my flesh is too strong.

"Take my thoughts captive, God?" I rail at Him. "You try that when you haven't slept for the better part of five months!" In self-righteousness I build a case against my Lord- as if that should convince Him to pull back Satan's army. As if my begging will move Him to shift a little pinky in my favor.

Yet, in exalting the flesh against the power of His Spirit, and by accusing Him of withholding His love and healing from me, I'm like the mockers who spit on Him when He died 2012 years ago on a Cross at Calvary. But instead of clamoring, "Save yourself, if you are the King of the Jews!" my angry words are, "Jesus, heal me, if you love me so much!" Even as, with tears rolling down His face, and his body hanging limply on a Cross, He softly replies, "I am."

And so it is. I turn up my nose at the lashing of His body, and I spit on the nails in His hands. I turn my back on His anguish and the tears that roll down His face. I shrug my shoulders in indifference, as He cries out to the Father, "Why have you forsaken me?" Figuratively, I do all of this when I treat His sacrifice as if it purchased nothing for me but a free ticket into Eternity.

He has all power to heal me now. But He has also given me all power to be healed by the Holy Spirit, who dwells within me because of His death and resurrection.

He who lives within me was not free. The gift of the Spirit came at the expense of a body and soul that were torn asunder by the world's sin. He came to live in me, and in all who would believe in Jesus' sacrifice. Without His death on the Cross, I-we, would have no power to overcome the devil and the flesh.

It cost me nothing to receive the power of Immanuel- or, "God within me(us)," but it cost God everything. It cost Jesus His life. And yet I exalt the devil and His work above that of my Savior when I curse and accuse.

I mock His sacrifice when I accuse Him of not helping me. He helped me 2012 years ago when He died and was resurrected on the third day. I mock Him when I beg Him to heal me, because that healing was already given, way back when...

I feel His tears today as I shed my own, as He longs for me to understand, for my sake and others, what it cost Him to give me the power to be set free and to have life Eternal with Him.

But, like so many others, I am deceived into thinking that what is real is what I feel, and experience. I am reticent to believe that He within me can overcome a mind and body that have been sickened by a thousand and one sleepless nights; that He whom I cannot see isn't greater than the effects of this world upon my body; that though I am outnumbered in my battle against the flesh, I only need One of Him to overcome the multitudes that rage against me.

The depression remains. But He who remains in me admonishes me to overcome. Because one day I will truly get it- and when I do, no shadow of disease or insomnia will be able to stand within six million miles of me.

Forgive me, Jesus, for what I don't understand. Forgive me for standing among the crowds that forsook you, spit on you, and mocked you. Forgive me for my irreverence and lack of gratitude. I will never know how much it cost You, to take my sins upon You, on that Cross. I will never know, this side of Heaven, the immense and amazing price you paid for me, so that I might have life, here and in the Hereafter. But yes, I don't condemn me for my cursing and accusations. If you did, then Your work would have been for naught.

Thank You, Jesus, for your great mercy and love towards me. Thank You, for dying for all of humanity, 2012 years ago, that we might be freed from all manner of sickness, soul wounds and the power of sin. Teach us that You gave up Your life, not only so that we might live with you in Eternity, but so that we might bring Heaven to Earth today, and every day. May we know that Your authority has been given to us because of Your work on the Cross, and that we all have power to destroy the works of the devil, to set captives free, and to open the eyes of the blind...

Open my eyes, Lord, that I may see, and be healed. Open my heart, that I would daily hold sacred your sacrifice, and not take for granted all that was given to me, 2012 years ago...and today. Amen.


  1. Thanks for your honesty. I struggled today with loving my children. I have six and my prayer this morning was that the Lord would help me to love them, to give them all of me today.They are a gift from the Lord but when I'm not feeling well I can find my thoughts similar to yours in negative thinking toward them. Well, with noise sensitivity today it did not take long for me to cringe when I heard their little voices calling, "MOM!" Ugh! My flesh struggled under the fact that I am only one person and their needs and requests seem to come non-stop. My flesh struggled with pushing them away while my spirit so wished that I could just enjoy hearing them call my name and have the patience to listen and meet there needs. I resorted to my room where I prayed. Confessing my weakness I asked again that the Lord would help me to love my children by helping me to be patient, kind, not self-seeking, slow to anger. Having a thorn in the flesh, on top of just having a flesh, a sin nature, is not easy, but I am determined by the grace of God, who is greater than my Lyme and Bart,to be Christlike even when my brain feels all inflamed, even if that means I have to continually resort back to my room and just pray. I will pray for you. May the Holy Spirit give you discernment to see when you are being tempted to doubt God's goodness,love and provision. The battle is the Lord's, rely on His strength. Greater is He that is in you than your disease and God is using it to make you more like His precious Son. Grace for each moment is available. I hope you will sleep in His peace tonight. God Bless you.

  2. I just read your post this morning and what you wrote could have been written by me this morning. What came to me when I was talking with God was how hard it is to fight this battle and keep our faith and hope. This time it wasn't a poor me talk but just facts. What the Holy Spirit revealed to me was God would not put us through this if He didn't know we would overcome in spite of all the difficulties. We will make it Connie, and be more than conquerors! He has plans for His warriors and so the trials. We will be refined and be His mighty warriors- that thought keeps coming in :-)God Bless you Connie and I will be praying for your healing but more that in spite of... we both will overcome these satanic attacks.

  3. forgot this message " A bruised reed I will not break"

  4. Sally, Thank you for your thoughts! I agree with you- it is difficult to fight the battle of Lyme disease, especially because it affects not only the body, but also the mind. And I think God has compassion on us when negative thoughts assault us. He knows how hard it is to overcome a flesh that has been besieged by bugs! At the same time, greater is His Spirit within us to overcome, but as you know, sometimes it's a fierce battle. Yet He urges us to have hope. Personally, I have found the best way to remain hopeful is by focusing upon His promises, rather than meditating upon the difficult circumstances (which can be very hard to do at times, as I'm sure you know). But if I can remain in Him and His promises, I don't get torn down so easily.

    I don't believe, though, that He is putting us through the challenges of chronic illness to make us "better Christians"- that is the work of the devil. Yet He does use our trials for good, and to ultimately bring us to a place of better health. I stand in agreement with you though- we are warriors, and we will overcome, by the power of His Spirit, who lives within us, thanks to Jesus' work on the Cross. Thanks for your prayers. Love and blessings to you, Sally. Connie

  5. HI Ann Marie,

    Thanks for sharing your story, and for empathizing with me. I can't imagine battling Lyme disease while raising a child- never mind six! Surely God has given you supernatural strength, though it must be incredibly difficult at times. I sense you are a woman of great courage, and that God is pleased with your faith. While you may wish that you could do or be more for your kids, that you can even be a parent at all (with an inflamed brain)! is an amazing feat in and of itself. May God continue to strengthen and encourage you, and empower you to do the impossible, by His mighty Spirit of love. Thanks for sharing. I pray you would be healed soon, and I thank you also for your prayers. Blessings and hugs, Connie

  6. PS, Sally, thank you for the Scripture :)

  7. Thanks for doing what you do. "Insights" taught me so much and gave me courage to try to beat Lyme, and to be open to many ways towards healing.

    I'm feeling close to 100% recovered. I had a few months of antibiotics, but mostly I used herbal antibiotic protocols and then Advanced Cell Training. Something about your book gave me hope that getting better was possible, and (thank you, God!) it was.

    Eventually, my husband and two teenage children were also diagnosed with Lyme. My hubby bounced back quick but my son and daughter are struggling still. They don't look sick but...

    I'm praying that God comforts you right where you are -- in the wilderness. Thanks for your blog. Thanks for your books.