Upon the heels of a major breakthrough in my healing this month, came two more significant trials. After having experienced a week of amazing health (perhaps the best since 2004), I was hit with insomnia unlike anything I have ever experienced before. No exaggeration. It has been two radical extremes. The six hours of prayer ministry that I received three weeks ago released me from some major strongholds, and for the first time in years, my blood pressure normalized, my energy soared, and despair vanished. When this continued for a full week, hope rose in my heart- yet it was tentative. So when a friend said to me, "If you think you have been healed, why aren't you jumping up and down with excitement?" I explained to him that it's hard to do that when you've been in prison for so long. The freedom just feels too good to be true, and you fear trusting it.
Besides, I've had windows of feeling well throughout my journey with Lyme disease. Although...this time it felt somewhat different.
I'm not sure if the insomnia and attack upon a very important relationship in my life were the retaliation in the spirit world for the freedom I had attained following the prayer, but it made sense that if the enemy could get me to become so sleep-deprived to the point of not being able to work or drive a car, I would doubt I had been set free at all. If he could get me to sink into despair over the potential loss of a close friend that I deeply loved- this would further destroy my health.
As I shed copious tears of frustration, I felt God asking me to take His hand and to come up into a higher place of Truth with Him. Moving into higher places with God always has a cost, because it means thinking and doing things that are hard, or which feel unsafe. It means trusting that what He has said He will do, He does, and that what promises, He makes come true- despite the lack of visible evidence. This time, it meant accepting apparent deprivation, making some difficult choices, and staying in the reality of my new found health freedom- though darkness was once again coming against that freedom.
Whenever I don't trust God, moving into higher places with Him feels costly. Yet whenever I am able to trust Him, I know that getting to the higher places is priceless, and that the cost is worth it.
Some months ago, God gave me a prophetic dream. In this dream, I was in a department store, and I had to try on three different evening gowns. The first dress that I tried on- a pink one- was too tight for me. The second- a vibrant purple one- was just slightly too big. The third- a red, frilly dress- fit me perfectly, though I didn't like it much. In the Bible, colors have meanings- both positive and negative. When I asked for revelation of the dream, I was told, "The pink dress didn't fit you, because you have outgrown childish things. The red dress fits you because you are in a season of spiritual warfare (red in this case, signified warfare). I wanted to wear the purple dress, but God told me I wasn't ready to wear it yet. Several months later, He told me through my prayers that He wanted to put me in the purple dress, but that I needed to overcome certain harmful attitudes and behaviors in my relationship with Him-especially unbelief. Purple in the Bible means royalty, and is also synonymous with the gifts of leadership and administration.
Because two of my spiritual gifts are leadership and administration, I took the dream and God's words as a sign that He desires to move me into places of higher authority, in my work and life's calling. But first, I must move into higher places with Him. This requires doing what feels counter-intuitive to my heart and mind, in order to overcome those sins that keep me from being fully free.
God's kingdom is like that, though. Upside down and counter-intuitive. Upside down because the person who wants to be greatest in the kingdom must humble themselves and become a servant; and counter-intuitive because blessings sometimes come from doing what feels wrong and unsafe to the carnal mind, but which is right in God's kingdom.
Only when we trust God can we effectively submit our thought processes and behaviors to Him, especially when we desperately think we are right (but He is silently suggesting otherwise). It takes courage to heed that voice, and even greater courage to do what He asks, because it opposes worldly philosophies, carnal knowledge, circumstances and most importantly, our heart, which screams for our needs to be met-right now.
When life is rough, I struggle to believe that God cares about my needs. Though His hand is extended, I recoil because I fear what going into the Higher places means. Is it not just a place of servitude and more trials? How do I know I can count on His Word to do what it says? After all, just look at the evidence of my life...all the disappointments and grief... Besides, it's just so hard to do what He asks. That whole delayed gratification thing just seems to extend into infinity.
But then I remember the purple dress, and the multiple times that God has shown me the color purple, through visions, dreams and prophecies of recent years. The promises He has given me- though they have been countered, not only by circumstances, but by well-meaning practical friends in the world who pooh-pooh prophecy and the notion that God gives us personalized promises today.
Still, I want to wear that dress, and I want my freedom. So though sleep-deprived, I have decided to reach for His hand...May He give me the grace to hold on, and may the conviction of truth propel me into those Higher places, where deception, despair, sickness, loneliness and sadness cannot survive. May He encourage all of us to take His hand, because it was for our freedom that Christ Jesus died- on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Growing Up Into God...from Performance to Prosperity
Our acceptance by others in society is often based upon our performance towards them. We learn that if we jump through the right hoops; be witty, smart and intriguing to others, we'll win friends and influence people. If we do things right, we'll be rewarded. If we make the right decisions, life will go well with us. For some of us, as children, the praise we got for getting an "A" on our report cards, or the punishment that was meted out to us for failing to live up to our caregivers' expectations, taught us early on that, "If you do well, you will be loved. If you mess up, you'll be rejected."
God's love isn't like that. Yet we often have to walk with Him for years before we can scratch the surface of the reality that He loves and accepts us for who we are, and what we do or don't do.
We drag our performance-based mental patterns into relationship with Him, and begin to "do" for Him, in order to receive from Him. We praise Him, because we are told it brings blessing. We feed the poor, because we think we will garner His favor if we do. We read the Bible, because that's what we're supposed to do if we want to grow in Him-right?
The Church encourages us in our endeavors with a long list of "shoulds" and "oughts" and sermons that proclaim, "If you do this...then you will get this..."
Our belief is this: Get on God's good side, and follow His commandments, and He'll meet your every need.
But then we screw up. We curse our friends. We gossip about our spouses. We complain, bicker, lie and manipulate. We fail to read God's Word. We get too tired to pray. Distractions keep us from spending time in the presence of the Lord.T hen our bills mount. Our health fails. Loved ones leave us, and we logically conclude: "Uh oh. I must be screwing up too much". And then we think, "...Maybe if I prayed more...maybe if I stopped speaking so many negative words...God would bless me."
We then resolve to do better. We devise a routine that will help us to get into God's Word. We come up with strategies for remaining in His presence, and determine to do so-come hell or high water. We promise God we'll try harder, in the hopes that our promises will move Him to take away our debt, heal our broken bodies, or restore our relationships.
Yes, praising God brings us closer to Him. Serving our neighbor, instead of cursing him, attracts God's favor and blessing. Remaining in His Word transforms us. And there is a heck of a lot of truth to, "If you do X, you will get Y..." The Bible is full of admonitions to do this in order to get that. Kind of like the way the world works, right?
Well...not exactly. In God's realm, obedience and the blessings that result, come as a byproduct of experiencing God's presence. They are the end that results from the means, rather than being a means to an end. In the world, we "do" because we want to get. In relationship with God, we do because we have already received.
Obedience in the former scenario is based on performance, while in the latter, it is the natural outcome of being a vessel through whom God operates.
Don't think I get this. I don't. If I did, I wouldn't still subconsciously wonder at times what I still need to do in order for God to heal me. Thoughts of, "If I just had the right thoughts, God could bless me. If I just spoke positive words of affirmation more, the law of God's healing would take effect and I would be free."
These are tortuous thoughts for a soul that battles severe symptoms on a regular basis. Really? God expects me to be happy and positive when I hurt like heck most of the time? I don't think so.
And when well-meaning souls inside the church foist that sometimes harmful belief, "Happiness is a choice" upon the afflicted, it brings the afflicted into deeper bondage because the despondent response of their souls is, "I have tried to be happy...but I just can't. I hurt too much. But maybe this is why God can't heal me...I'm not positive enough."
I'm not condoning laziness or an attitude of victimization. God gave us an assignment and the power to bind the devil and obey His Word, but sanctification isn't achieved overnight. Also, it's nothing we can bring about by our own free will. Because we have to know who we are in Him first, and more importantly, who He is for us, if we are to be the vessels of love and power that He has created us to be. And only He can bring that revelation to us. For if it's up to us in the end, then He isn't really our Savior. He is at best, an advocate who admonishes us to pull ourselves up by our own frayed little bootstraps- something that not even the most self-determined of the wounded can do.
At the 2011 Voice of the Apostles conference, Pastor Rodney Hogue described what he called "The Three Stages of Christian Growth." He said that in the first stage, the newborn Christian is like a baby; self-focused, with only an ability to receive from God. Their only thought is, "Me, me, me." Because that's how babies are. They can't give. They can only receive from their caregivers, but as they do, they grow into maturity. No wise parent would expect their baby to give anything back to them, for the baby is helpless, ignorant and innocent. And as newborn Christians, God is the same with us.
As we mature in our walk with the Lord, and grow up into young adults, we move into the second stage of Christian growth. In this stage, we begin to focus on others, and give to them as well as receive from them-and God.
In the third stage of our growth, we become mature adults, who not only serve others, but also see life from God's perspective. When others see us in this stage, they see Jesus.
According to Rodney, if we try to bypass being a baby before God, and neglect to receive from Him, and instead start out our walk as newborn Christians by "doing" for Him, then our works for God will be borne out of performance, instead of being a natural outflow of our relationship with Him.
We can't give away to others what we haven't received from God. And until we are children before Him, and He grows us up into Him, we will be giving to others out of our own strength, rather than His. We will operate for Him instead of through Him.
Some of us have never learned to receive from God, because society has taught us that we must earn His favor and approval, in order to receive from Him. But it is He who first gives to us, so that we can give back to Him and the world. His Word says: "We love because He has first loved us" (1 John 4:19).
The fastest way to kill a performance-based relationship with God is to become like a little child (or a baby!) before Him. If you started your Christian walk at Stage Two instead of Stage One, it's okay to go backwards and become that little baby that you never were before Him. God is okay with it-no, He delights in it!- because He knows that true progress forward in our walk with Him can't happen until He has fed, nurtured and grown us up into Him.
Let Him give to you-extravagantly and abundantly-, as you just lie there and cry out to Him, expecting Him to meet your every need. Be the innocent, ignorant, whiny, whimpering, noise-making baby that you never got to be. And most importantly, drop the silly notion that babies are supposed to serve their Daddies. Let Daddy nurture and love you, so that as you mature, His love will start to flow naturally from you. Because then, and only then, will your service to Him be from the heart, and not from a place of performance. And only then will you have true peace.
God's love isn't like that. Yet we often have to walk with Him for years before we can scratch the surface of the reality that He loves and accepts us for who we are, and what we do or don't do.
We drag our performance-based mental patterns into relationship with Him, and begin to "do" for Him, in order to receive from Him. We praise Him, because we are told it brings blessing. We feed the poor, because we think we will garner His favor if we do. We read the Bible, because that's what we're supposed to do if we want to grow in Him-right?
The Church encourages us in our endeavors with a long list of "shoulds" and "oughts" and sermons that proclaim, "If you do this...then you will get this..."
Our belief is this: Get on God's good side, and follow His commandments, and He'll meet your every need.
But then we screw up. We curse our friends. We gossip about our spouses. We complain, bicker, lie and manipulate. We fail to read God's Word. We get too tired to pray. Distractions keep us from spending time in the presence of the Lord.T hen our bills mount. Our health fails. Loved ones leave us, and we logically conclude: "Uh oh. I must be screwing up too much". And then we think, "...Maybe if I prayed more...maybe if I stopped speaking so many negative words...God would bless me."
We then resolve to do better. We devise a routine that will help us to get into God's Word. We come up with strategies for remaining in His presence, and determine to do so-come hell or high water. We promise God we'll try harder, in the hopes that our promises will move Him to take away our debt, heal our broken bodies, or restore our relationships.
Yes, praising God brings us closer to Him. Serving our neighbor, instead of cursing him, attracts God's favor and blessing. Remaining in His Word transforms us. And there is a heck of a lot of truth to, "If you do X, you will get Y..." The Bible is full of admonitions to do this in order to get that. Kind of like the way the world works, right?
Well...not exactly. In God's realm, obedience and the blessings that result, come as a byproduct of experiencing God's presence. They are the end that results from the means, rather than being a means to an end. In the world, we "do" because we want to get. In relationship with God, we do because we have already received.
Obedience in the former scenario is based on performance, while in the latter, it is the natural outcome of being a vessel through whom God operates.
Don't think I get this. I don't. If I did, I wouldn't still subconsciously wonder at times what I still need to do in order for God to heal me. Thoughts of, "If I just had the right thoughts, God could bless me. If I just spoke positive words of affirmation more, the law of God's healing would take effect and I would be free."
These are tortuous thoughts for a soul that battles severe symptoms on a regular basis. Really? God expects me to be happy and positive when I hurt like heck most of the time? I don't think so.
And when well-meaning souls inside the church foist that sometimes harmful belief, "Happiness is a choice" upon the afflicted, it brings the afflicted into deeper bondage because the despondent response of their souls is, "I have tried to be happy...but I just can't. I hurt too much. But maybe this is why God can't heal me...I'm not positive enough."
I'm not condoning laziness or an attitude of victimization. God gave us an assignment and the power to bind the devil and obey His Word, but sanctification isn't achieved overnight. Also, it's nothing we can bring about by our own free will. Because we have to know who we are in Him first, and more importantly, who He is for us, if we are to be the vessels of love and power that He has created us to be. And only He can bring that revelation to us. For if it's up to us in the end, then He isn't really our Savior. He is at best, an advocate who admonishes us to pull ourselves up by our own frayed little bootstraps- something that not even the most self-determined of the wounded can do.
At the 2011 Voice of the Apostles conference, Pastor Rodney Hogue described what he called "The Three Stages of Christian Growth." He said that in the first stage, the newborn Christian is like a baby; self-focused, with only an ability to receive from God. Their only thought is, "Me, me, me." Because that's how babies are. They can't give. They can only receive from their caregivers, but as they do, they grow into maturity. No wise parent would expect their baby to give anything back to them, for the baby is helpless, ignorant and innocent. And as newborn Christians, God is the same with us.
As we mature in our walk with the Lord, and grow up into young adults, we move into the second stage of Christian growth. In this stage, we begin to focus on others, and give to them as well as receive from them-and God.
In the third stage of our growth, we become mature adults, who not only serve others, but also see life from God's perspective. When others see us in this stage, they see Jesus.
According to Rodney, if we try to bypass being a baby before God, and neglect to receive from Him, and instead start out our walk as newborn Christians by "doing" for Him, then our works for God will be borne out of performance, instead of being a natural outflow of our relationship with Him.
We can't give away to others what we haven't received from God. And until we are children before Him, and He grows us up into Him, we will be giving to others out of our own strength, rather than His. We will operate for Him instead of through Him.
Some of us have never learned to receive from God, because society has taught us that we must earn His favor and approval, in order to receive from Him. But it is He who first gives to us, so that we can give back to Him and the world. His Word says: "We love because He has first loved us" (1 John 4:19).
The fastest way to kill a performance-based relationship with God is to become like a little child (or a baby!) before Him. If you started your Christian walk at Stage Two instead of Stage One, it's okay to go backwards and become that little baby that you never were before Him. God is okay with it-no, He delights in it!- because He knows that true progress forward in our walk with Him can't happen until He has fed, nurtured and grown us up into Him.
Let Him give to you-extravagantly and abundantly-, as you just lie there and cry out to Him, expecting Him to meet your every need. Be the innocent, ignorant, whiny, whimpering, noise-making baby that you never got to be. And most importantly, drop the silly notion that babies are supposed to serve their Daddies. Let Daddy nurture and love you, so that as you mature, His love will start to flow naturally from you. Because then, and only then, will your service to Him be from the heart, and not from a place of performance. And only then will you have true peace.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Insights into Warfare and What's Ahead for 2012
Since 9-11, 2001, life has been incredibly difficult for some of God's people. The fall of this year, according to a few well-respected prophets, was supposed to mark the beginning of transition out of these trials. For me, this fall has been perhaps the most difficult season I have ever endured, but this past week, I felt the winds of change sweep radically across the terrain of my life. I sense that a new found freedom is upon me, but also upon many who have been living under oppression since the events of 9-11.
Some prophets, such as John Paul Jackson, say that 2012 will be a year of great woes for the world, but that God will provide for those who turn to Him and trust Him for all things. Amidst the darkness of natural disasters, a floundering economy, terrorist threats, war, and all that plagues our world, God's light will shine most brilliantly in those who focus upon what He's doing in the world, instead of upon what the enemy of our souls is trying to do. And God is rescuing those that have been oppressed since 9-11, so that they may be radically used by Him to bring freedom to others in the year to come.
But we must know that the problem in our world isn't a lack of jobs, Lyme disease, war, hurricanes, cancer, or that our wives are alcoholics and our children drug addicts.
The problem is that we are waging a war in spiritual places, which can't be won with the weapons that are available to us in the natural realm, because the powers that are against us are greater than the resources of the natural world. But if we know that God lives within us, and that He has given us dominion over the powers and principalities of darkness, then we can change our circumstances- through the weapons that He has given us to overcome.
But we can't know how great these weapons are until we use them. Yet most of us are so accustomed to living according to our senses that until we witness God's power, we still rely upon our flesh and the things of the natural realm for our well being. And while God has given us tools in this world to enable our survival and to overcome, the real victories are won through His Spirit.
This past week, God gave me some keys. With those keys, He opened new doors of insight into my suffering and showed me why I have been unable to overcome chronic illness for so many years.
Let me preface this with an explanation. When you are sick, and the cause is purely biochemical, you can take a medical remedy and the body will heal. When the cause is emotional, if you heal the trauma, the physical body also heals. But if the cause of sickness is spiritual, then dismantling the strongholds that have kept the disease in place is imperative for healing, because the spiritual realm transcends that of body and soul.
I used to think that addressing all three realms- the physical, emotional and spiritual- were all important for healing. Yet for some, dealing with the spiritual causes of disease, may be sufficient for change to occur in the other two realms.
To my surprise, I recently discovered that my battle has been mostly a result of spiritual strongholds- which were set in place the day of my birth, and reinforced throughout my life. And I believe that disease is, for many people, a result of such strongholds- not toxins or infections. These only take root in the body whenever principalities and powers of darkness are able to create strongholds that weaken the soul and body and leave it susceptible to illness.
It isn't just about healing the Daddy wounds. It isn't just about forgiving your neighbor. It's about learning about strategies that powers of darkness use against people, and praying specifically against those. Unfortunately, precious few books and churches exist to explain what these are. But if you pick up a book on witchcraft, demonic curses and Satanic rituals, and ask God for discernment, you may get insights into your suffering that may set you and others free. More people are afflicted by these things than what most of us realize.
The knowledge that I received this past week about the strongholds that keep people in bondage- and not just physical bondage, but emotional, financial and otherwise- transcends common knowledge about healing the soul, and it is knowledge which I believe is now setting me free from many years of agony and pain. When the time is right, I will share specifics about my experience. In the meantime, I simply wish to encourage those of you who are suffering, to look beyond the natural realm for the solutions to your problems. Ask God for the keys that will unlock the doors to your freedom. Don't assume you know what they are, and that you know how to use them.
I have suffered for many years, partially because I have relied upon my own wisdom to survive, instead of leaning wholly upon God. I am an intelligent person, so it's been easy for me to do this. But intelligence is a thing of the natural realm, and thus, it has only served me in battles pertaining to this realm. It has not enabled me to win the war that has been waged against my life in the spiritual world.
God's ways are infinitely higher than ours, but He is faithful to deliver us if we seek Him with all of our heart, mind and soul. We may be little people with small minds, but we serve a great God.
Yet I am of good cheer. The heaviness that has been upon me these past two months is dissipating, and I believe 2012 will be a magnificent year, not only for me, but for all those who seek God. If only we know that He, and only He, can give us the wisdom that we need to prosper- in every area of our lives.
Happy New Year!
Some prophets, such as John Paul Jackson, say that 2012 will be a year of great woes for the world, but that God will provide for those who turn to Him and trust Him for all things. Amidst the darkness of natural disasters, a floundering economy, terrorist threats, war, and all that plagues our world, God's light will shine most brilliantly in those who focus upon what He's doing in the world, instead of upon what the enemy of our souls is trying to do. And God is rescuing those that have been oppressed since 9-11, so that they may be radically used by Him to bring freedom to others in the year to come.
But we must know that the problem in our world isn't a lack of jobs, Lyme disease, war, hurricanes, cancer, or that our wives are alcoholics and our children drug addicts.
The problem is that we are waging a war in spiritual places, which can't be won with the weapons that are available to us in the natural realm, because the powers that are against us are greater than the resources of the natural world. But if we know that God lives within us, and that He has given us dominion over the powers and principalities of darkness, then we can change our circumstances- through the weapons that He has given us to overcome.
But we can't know how great these weapons are until we use them. Yet most of us are so accustomed to living according to our senses that until we witness God's power, we still rely upon our flesh and the things of the natural realm for our well being. And while God has given us tools in this world to enable our survival and to overcome, the real victories are won through His Spirit.
This past week, God gave me some keys. With those keys, He opened new doors of insight into my suffering and showed me why I have been unable to overcome chronic illness for so many years.
Let me preface this with an explanation. When you are sick, and the cause is purely biochemical, you can take a medical remedy and the body will heal. When the cause is emotional, if you heal the trauma, the physical body also heals. But if the cause of sickness is spiritual, then dismantling the strongholds that have kept the disease in place is imperative for healing, because the spiritual realm transcends that of body and soul.
I used to think that addressing all three realms- the physical, emotional and spiritual- were all important for healing. Yet for some, dealing with the spiritual causes of disease, may be sufficient for change to occur in the other two realms.
To my surprise, I recently discovered that my battle has been mostly a result of spiritual strongholds- which were set in place the day of my birth, and reinforced throughout my life. And I believe that disease is, for many people, a result of such strongholds- not toxins or infections. These only take root in the body whenever principalities and powers of darkness are able to create strongholds that weaken the soul and body and leave it susceptible to illness.
It isn't just about healing the Daddy wounds. It isn't just about forgiving your neighbor. It's about learning about strategies that powers of darkness use against people, and praying specifically against those. Unfortunately, precious few books and churches exist to explain what these are. But if you pick up a book on witchcraft, demonic curses and Satanic rituals, and ask God for discernment, you may get insights into your suffering that may set you and others free. More people are afflicted by these things than what most of us realize.
The knowledge that I received this past week about the strongholds that keep people in bondage- and not just physical bondage, but emotional, financial and otherwise- transcends common knowledge about healing the soul, and it is knowledge which I believe is now setting me free from many years of agony and pain. When the time is right, I will share specifics about my experience. In the meantime, I simply wish to encourage those of you who are suffering, to look beyond the natural realm for the solutions to your problems. Ask God for the keys that will unlock the doors to your freedom. Don't assume you know what they are, and that you know how to use them.
I have suffered for many years, partially because I have relied upon my own wisdom to survive, instead of leaning wholly upon God. I am an intelligent person, so it's been easy for me to do this. But intelligence is a thing of the natural realm, and thus, it has only served me in battles pertaining to this realm. It has not enabled me to win the war that has been waged against my life in the spiritual world.
God's ways are infinitely higher than ours, but He is faithful to deliver us if we seek Him with all of our heart, mind and soul. We may be little people with small minds, but we serve a great God.
Yet I am of good cheer. The heaviness that has been upon me these past two months is dissipating, and I believe 2012 will be a magnificent year, not only for me, but for all those who seek God. If only we know that He, and only He, can give us the wisdom that we need to prosper- in every area of our lives.
Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
All We Need is A Flicker of Hope
Here I sit, ten days away from the new year, wondering where the past seven weeks have gone. A storm that rolled into my life towards the end of October has not yet ceased in its fury. It has crashed upon my health but deeply impacted other areas of my life, too. And it has distracted me from posting to this blog as much as I would like.
God must have something good for me in 2012, because the trials have been so absurd and profound that even those who don't believe in demons would have to concede that this unrelenting hell is a bit out of the ordinary, even for those who deal with the hardships of chronic illness on a daily basis.
So I'm trying to look on the bright side, but I gotta admit, endless suffering has a way of stealing hope from the heart.
Ordinarily, when I spend time with God in prayer, or peruse the notebook of amazing and multitudinous (but unfulfilled) prophecies that He has given me over the past several years, (which include many promises to restore my health and all that has been stolen from me over the past decade), I am encouraged.
But hope deferred makes the heart sick, and I have told God repeatedly over the past two months that I don't "have it in me" anymore. People have always told me that I'm a fighter, and indeed, I am a strong soul. But for the first time in my life, telling God to heal me or take me off the planet has become more of a routine prayer than I'd like to admit.
I'm not suicidal, nor have I ever had the inclination, but even the strongest of the strong can only endure so much suffering without wishing they weren't stuck in this broken and busted up Garden of Eden anymore.
I know God uses me for His purposes. I have published five books on healing and medicine, and I minister healing to the sick on a regular basis. I can't leave this planet because I know I'm being used, but I could use a bit more happiness and comfort in my days. I need to be well, instead of being holed up in my house, living the lifestyle of a woman fifty years my senior.
I've gone through intense seasons of physical and emotional suffering before. Much of the past decade has been blacked out by these tremendous trials, but what has made the latest one unique-and perhaps more difficult- is the lack of hope I have experienced through it.
It's just been too long. I've confessed my lack of faith to God, prefacing my tirades to Him with, "I'm sorry, God, but I just can't muster up what isn't there. I want to believe you, but the despair is winning right now."
I took the matter to Him again last night, and He responded by giving me an image of a lit match flickering in the darkness, wavering and weak, as if ready to extinguish at the slightest puff of wind. The match represented my hope.
And then, it was as if God was saying that He could create a fire from that faint light in my heart. He didn't need me to have grandiose hope. He knew I was tired, and that I have been through too much. Few people can endure a severe chronic illness for years and still have sky-high hope for better days ahead. My feelings were normal and He wasn't going to punish me for not "believing more." That revelation in itself increased the size of the flame of my little hope match.
Because our society is so performance-oriented, it's easy to slip into believing that unless we have the right thoughts towards God, He can't heal us, or bless our lives. I'm probably more guilty of that than most people. And when circumstances don't change, you can't help but wonder what you are doing wrong.
But sugar-coating despair with words that we think God wants to hear, or to convince ourselves that God is going to bless us, does nothing but shove that hopelessness further down into the soul, where it begins to fester and silently torment us.
We can't increase hope by our own strength, any more than we can muster up faith by affirming God's truths. Neither strategy works, and while speaking words of truth and carrying out right actions can sometimes change the heart, it is also true that out of the heart the mouth speaks, and when the heart is broken, the mouth responds accordingly. When hope is gone, we don't need a bridle on our tongues as much as we need surgery in our hearts.
The good news is, when only a glimmer of hope remains, God can take that faint light and make a fire from it- which burns out the dross of unbelief, pain and every defiance of God's promises.
For many days, I cried out to God in despair, fear gripping me because I couldn't kick-start the hope that I have always maintained. And while I have yet to experience God's warmth upon me, the light within me has become a tad brighter, because I know that it is He who will rekindle the fire. I can't do it. My wilderness is too cold, and I'm too tired.
Yet I must seek His face and spend time in His Word...because only by immersing myself in the reality of Him can this hope return. Hope is a byproduct of spending time in His presence It springs up naturally from a soul and spirit that are in communion with Him. It also eventually makes manifest that which was initially hoped for.
All that I, that we, have to do, is seek His face. Let the enemy or the world not delude us into thinking there is another way to peace. There isn't. He is the restorer of all things. It doesn't matter that only a flicker of hope, or faith, remains. It is enough for Him to work with.
Tonight, as I light a Christmas candle, and study its dancing flame, I am reminded that Jesus Christ came to earth to be a light for every soul on the planet. His light brings hope to our hearts, and shines brightly within us, that we may transfer this same hope into the hearts of those around us.
Silent Night, Holy Night, All is Calm, All is Bright...
God must have something good for me in 2012, because the trials have been so absurd and profound that even those who don't believe in demons would have to concede that this unrelenting hell is a bit out of the ordinary, even for those who deal with the hardships of chronic illness on a daily basis.
So I'm trying to look on the bright side, but I gotta admit, endless suffering has a way of stealing hope from the heart.
Ordinarily, when I spend time with God in prayer, or peruse the notebook of amazing and multitudinous (but unfulfilled) prophecies that He has given me over the past several years, (which include many promises to restore my health and all that has been stolen from me over the past decade), I am encouraged.
But hope deferred makes the heart sick, and I have told God repeatedly over the past two months that I don't "have it in me" anymore. People have always told me that I'm a fighter, and indeed, I am a strong soul. But for the first time in my life, telling God to heal me or take me off the planet has become more of a routine prayer than I'd like to admit.
I'm not suicidal, nor have I ever had the inclination, but even the strongest of the strong can only endure so much suffering without wishing they weren't stuck in this broken and busted up Garden of Eden anymore.
I know God uses me for His purposes. I have published five books on healing and medicine, and I minister healing to the sick on a regular basis. I can't leave this planet because I know I'm being used, but I could use a bit more happiness and comfort in my days. I need to be well, instead of being holed up in my house, living the lifestyle of a woman fifty years my senior.
I've gone through intense seasons of physical and emotional suffering before. Much of the past decade has been blacked out by these tremendous trials, but what has made the latest one unique-and perhaps more difficult- is the lack of hope I have experienced through it.
It's just been too long. I've confessed my lack of faith to God, prefacing my tirades to Him with, "I'm sorry, God, but I just can't muster up what isn't there. I want to believe you, but the despair is winning right now."
I took the matter to Him again last night, and He responded by giving me an image of a lit match flickering in the darkness, wavering and weak, as if ready to extinguish at the slightest puff of wind. The match represented my hope.
And then, it was as if God was saying that He could create a fire from that faint light in my heart. He didn't need me to have grandiose hope. He knew I was tired, and that I have been through too much. Few people can endure a severe chronic illness for years and still have sky-high hope for better days ahead. My feelings were normal and He wasn't going to punish me for not "believing more." That revelation in itself increased the size of the flame of my little hope match.
Because our society is so performance-oriented, it's easy to slip into believing that unless we have the right thoughts towards God, He can't heal us, or bless our lives. I'm probably more guilty of that than most people. And when circumstances don't change, you can't help but wonder what you are doing wrong.
But sugar-coating despair with words that we think God wants to hear, or to convince ourselves that God is going to bless us, does nothing but shove that hopelessness further down into the soul, where it begins to fester and silently torment us.
We can't increase hope by our own strength, any more than we can muster up faith by affirming God's truths. Neither strategy works, and while speaking words of truth and carrying out right actions can sometimes change the heart, it is also true that out of the heart the mouth speaks, and when the heart is broken, the mouth responds accordingly. When hope is gone, we don't need a bridle on our tongues as much as we need surgery in our hearts.
The good news is, when only a glimmer of hope remains, God can take that faint light and make a fire from it- which burns out the dross of unbelief, pain and every defiance of God's promises.
For many days, I cried out to God in despair, fear gripping me because I couldn't kick-start the hope that I have always maintained. And while I have yet to experience God's warmth upon me, the light within me has become a tad brighter, because I know that it is He who will rekindle the fire. I can't do it. My wilderness is too cold, and I'm too tired.
Yet I must seek His face and spend time in His Word...because only by immersing myself in the reality of Him can this hope return. Hope is a byproduct of spending time in His presence It springs up naturally from a soul and spirit that are in communion with Him. It also eventually makes manifest that which was initially hoped for.
All that I, that we, have to do, is seek His face. Let the enemy or the world not delude us into thinking there is another way to peace. There isn't. He is the restorer of all things. It doesn't matter that only a flicker of hope, or faith, remains. It is enough for Him to work with.
Tonight, as I light a Christmas candle, and study its dancing flame, I am reminded that Jesus Christ came to earth to be a light for every soul on the planet. His light brings hope to our hearts, and shines brightly within us, that we may transfer this same hope into the hearts of those around us.
Silent Night, Holy Night, All is Calm, All is Bright...
Saturday, November 26, 2011
The Weapons of Our Warfare
Tolerable, difficult or incredibly dark...such have been the three seasons that have marked the past decade of my life. The tolerable and difficult seasons have been sprinkled with days of happiness and ease, but chronic illness and isolation have a way of keeping the clouds over the sun for long periods of time.
As I mentioned in the introduction to this blog, I have seen signs of the snow melting in the winter that has been my life since age 27. But you know how life is when the seasons change...just when you think spring is imminent, a snowstorm comes. And in Colorado, where I live, the snowstorms as we enter into spring are often fiercer than what we experience all winter.
An unexpected, unprecedented storm has unleashed its wrath upon my days lately. Fitful sleep which begins at dawn, and is marked by nightmares, sleep apnea, and bolts of adrenaline crashing through my pain-wracked body, have been just the beginning.
I have made great strides in my healing, but lately, I feel the heaviness of relapse upon me. The fatigue and symptoms of my first "Lyme years" are back, and then some. Eight-hour blood sugar crises; weakness in my limbs, electromagnetic sensitivity which precludes me from working, and the never-ending cherry-on-the-cake pain.
Then there's the isolation which comes with disability, and crying out at 3:00 AM in anger to a God who has somehow morphed into a punishing authority figure. A God who is surely furious because in my suffering, I have accused Him of "dangling healing carrots" in front of me. Reach out to grab one and...just kidding. It's not for right now.
Where has my loving God gone? Why doesn't He speak to me when I am dehydrated by my tears? Where is He when those who professed to love me, quietly vanish from sight?
I know what I'm supposed to say. I know that when the fury of winter hits, refuge doesn't come by screaming at the sky. If I could just rein in my reckless intellect, and praise God. If I could just tell the emotions where to get off, and pick up the weapons that God has given me to fight this...
...But I let them get buried beneath a mound of grief. There they lie, as the snow from the storm silently blankets them, and I watch them disappear. Anyway, I must not believe they work as God has said, because every time I try to pick one up...the sword of the Spirit, the shield of faith, the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness...the storm blows them out of my grasp.
The darkness is too fierce, I protest to God. The pain is unrelenting. I'm sorry, but I can't believe your promises anymore...
And during the adrenaline surges of the night, the enemy hisses, Give up! Your life will never be any different, because you don't believe your God.
I have an unfortunate weakness- a strong intellect. Because the enemy can only operate at the level of the flesh, he uses reason to confuse my mind, so that I exalt it above the wisdom of the Spirit. And when my mind is a biochemical mess, I latch on to his reasonable excuses that I can't live by the Spirit, because I don't have enough serotonin, or cortisol to think properly. My medical knowledge becomes a double-edged sword.
Meanwhile, as my anger and self-righteousness mount, the weapons that God has given me, get buried ever deeper beneath the snow. Why can't I pick them up, God? I wonder in sadness. Jesus, you paid such a price for me to own them, and here I sit, idle...
I don't get it. I don't understand that His body was broken and that His blood was shed, so I could own these weapons, and thereby, find shelter and freedom from the storm that is ravaging me to pieces.
So as I shiver in the cold, vague thoughts of God's armor tapping at the door of mind, I pray: God, I can't do this. I need you to help me dig through the snow, and find the will and the way to put on Your armor. Infuse my mind with revelation knowledge, that no reasonings of the enemy can touch. I need revelation, God, so I know what these weapons are worth...so I know what to do with them, and how they can help me to fight this battle in my mind...Because the battle won in the mind is the battle that is then won in the physical realm. But I can't do it, God. Work in me to will and to do, according to Your promises. I can't see you right now, but I know you are here, listening to me...in Jesus' name.
"Indeed, we are human beings, but we don't wage war according to human standards; for the weapons of our warfare are not merely human, but they have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments, and every proud obstacle raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ."
2 Cor. 10:3-5.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
Ephesians 6:10-18
Get me a shovel, Lord.
As I mentioned in the introduction to this blog, I have seen signs of the snow melting in the winter that has been my life since age 27. But you know how life is when the seasons change...just when you think spring is imminent, a snowstorm comes. And in Colorado, where I live, the snowstorms as we enter into spring are often fiercer than what we experience all winter.
An unexpected, unprecedented storm has unleashed its wrath upon my days lately. Fitful sleep which begins at dawn, and is marked by nightmares, sleep apnea, and bolts of adrenaline crashing through my pain-wracked body, have been just the beginning.
I have made great strides in my healing, but lately, I feel the heaviness of relapse upon me. The fatigue and symptoms of my first "Lyme years" are back, and then some. Eight-hour blood sugar crises; weakness in my limbs, electromagnetic sensitivity which precludes me from working, and the never-ending cherry-on-the-cake pain.
Then there's the isolation which comes with disability, and crying out at 3:00 AM in anger to a God who has somehow morphed into a punishing authority figure. A God who is surely furious because in my suffering, I have accused Him of "dangling healing carrots" in front of me. Reach out to grab one and...just kidding. It's not for right now.
Where has my loving God gone? Why doesn't He speak to me when I am dehydrated by my tears? Where is He when those who professed to love me, quietly vanish from sight?
I know what I'm supposed to say. I know that when the fury of winter hits, refuge doesn't come by screaming at the sky. If I could just rein in my reckless intellect, and praise God. If I could just tell the emotions where to get off, and pick up the weapons that God has given me to fight this...
...But I let them get buried beneath a mound of grief. There they lie, as the snow from the storm silently blankets them, and I watch them disappear. Anyway, I must not believe they work as God has said, because every time I try to pick one up...the sword of the Spirit, the shield of faith, the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness...the storm blows them out of my grasp.
The darkness is too fierce, I protest to God. The pain is unrelenting. I'm sorry, but I can't believe your promises anymore...
And during the adrenaline surges of the night, the enemy hisses, Give up! Your life will never be any different, because you don't believe your God.
I have an unfortunate weakness- a strong intellect. Because the enemy can only operate at the level of the flesh, he uses reason to confuse my mind, so that I exalt it above the wisdom of the Spirit. And when my mind is a biochemical mess, I latch on to his reasonable excuses that I can't live by the Spirit, because I don't have enough serotonin, or cortisol to think properly. My medical knowledge becomes a double-edged sword.
Meanwhile, as my anger and self-righteousness mount, the weapons that God has given me, get buried ever deeper beneath the snow. Why can't I pick them up, God? I wonder in sadness. Jesus, you paid such a price for me to own them, and here I sit, idle...
I don't get it. I don't understand that His body was broken and that His blood was shed, so I could own these weapons, and thereby, find shelter and freedom from the storm that is ravaging me to pieces.
So as I shiver in the cold, vague thoughts of God's armor tapping at the door of mind, I pray: God, I can't do this. I need you to help me dig through the snow, and find the will and the way to put on Your armor. Infuse my mind with revelation knowledge, that no reasonings of the enemy can touch. I need revelation, God, so I know what these weapons are worth...so I know what to do with them, and how they can help me to fight this battle in my mind...Because the battle won in the mind is the battle that is then won in the physical realm. But I can't do it, God. Work in me to will and to do, according to Your promises. I can't see you right now, but I know you are here, listening to me...in Jesus' name.
"Indeed, we are human beings, but we don't wage war according to human standards; for the weapons of our warfare are not merely human, but they have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments, and every proud obstacle raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ."
2 Cor. 10:3-5.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
Ephesians 6:10-18
Get me a shovel, Lord.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Breaking Out of Prison and Stepping Into Freedom
Chronic illness is a prison, and if you are behind bars for too long, it's easy to forget how to fly. When the illness lasts years, out of necessity, you grow comfortable with being in hell. You have to, in order to survive the isolation and hardship it brings.
So when God recently told me through a prophet to start taking down the decorations in my cell because He was opening the door and setting me free, I was bewildered. He also told me that He wanted me to start living again, and I thought, "What does that mean? Am I not living?"
And then I realized that I have been surviving the past decade, more than I have been living it. I have been spending my days as an orphan, being passed from house to house, begging bread crumbs, begging for healing, and not trusting in my Daddy to provide for me. At least, not as much as I could.
As I get to know my Daddy better, I am living more as the daughter of a King, as He intends, but the prophecy reminded me of how much I yet cling to a jailed orphan mentality. I guess it just feels safe. I'm used to the isolation. I'm used to spending most of my waking hours on survival activities- that is, work and treatments. And isn't that just what you have to do when you're disabled by disease?
If you live from a worldly mindset, yes. When you feel like hell warmed over and your medical costs are higher than your rent and groceries combined, you don't have a choice. You have to buckle down, get smart, and find creative ways to survive and get well...or else.
The problem is that for years, I have halfway adopted this worldly mindset, labeling my fear-based living as the "responsible" thing to do. And the worst part of it hasn't even been that I work too hard when my body screams for rest, or that I skip too many Saturday night engagements with friends in favor of "survival activities." No, the worst part has been the fear that impels me to these things.
The fear-based mentality goes like this: If I don't work on the weekend to make up for what I couldn't do during the work week due to an incapacitating detoxification reaction, I won't be able to pay my bills. If I can't start my work day until noon because I have to sleep late every morning, then I sure as heck had better work until bedtime, or God won't be able to provide for me financially. If I skip treatments in favor of needing to feel well in order to work...well then, He can't bless my healing process.
But if I am the daughter of a King, I don't need to think this way, because there is room to be human in His kingdom. There is room to make mistakes. Anyway, He wants me to trust Him more than He wants me to "get it all right." And in His kingdom, He provides for me when I cannot. Which is always.
Ironically, this month, I felt God leading me to start five new projects. Not one, but five, at the same time that He was telling me to rest and get a life. Really? Well, I would if I could, God...but my body doesn't agree that this is possible.
"When you start living again, healing will overtake you," God had said to me in a prophecy that followed the previous one. "You don't need to do another thing to be well...Just start living again."
But when you've been in a cage, it's sometimes difficult to recognize when God is handing you your freedom. It doesn't look like fun. In fact, it feels like more striving.
The odd thing is that the new projects which He is leading me to do are projects that only a healthy person could undertake. Speaking engagements? Really, God? Yet if I stand on the promise that He is setting me free, stepping out shouldn't tax me. It should eventually lead me into a place of greater health, even if at first, it seems impossible.
At the very least, the new projects will get me out of the cage. Whether I then fly depends upon how much I choose to lean upon Him and trust Him to show me how to use my wings.
I don't think God is advocating that I push my body to do what it can't do. People who suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Lyme disease, and other related chronic illnesses, know that the worst thing you can do to your body is push it when you feel bad. One day of skiing a mountain can land a person with CFS in bed for a week and over time, a fast-paced life of too much activity compromises recovery.
No, my Daddy is simply trying to pull me out of my jailbird mentality. My hell has become too comfy-cozy. I may be a miserable little bird at times, but this world of striving and isolation is the one I have, for too long, understood. Apparently.
So this week I decided to obey Him, and accepted a new job interviewing doctors. I also set up two speaking engagements. In the meantime, I maintain my two blogs, and continue to write a new book. I also stepped into a role as a healing minister at my church, and began a different kind of healing ministry with those who know me in the Lyme disease community. I also keep telling people about my medical books...at the same time that I tell them that the best healing isn't through medicine, but God.
Now I must choose to believe that He will enable me to do all this out of a spirit of rest, rather than survival, and that my body can do what He is calling me to do. I must simply share with others what I have learned over the past decade, and know that He will provide for me in ways that He deems best. I can kill the self-imposed deadlines, allow myself to have some bad days, and choose to have fun with loved ones, instead of scavenging bread crumbs like an orphan on my Saturday nights. I can even stop all the medical treatments, because it's probably time.
I don't yet fully understand what freedom looks like. It may also mean traveling the world again, dating and getting married, and doing all of the things people my age do but which I haven't done much of because of infirmity. More than that, though, I think freedom is a mindset. Of knowing that wherever I am, whatever I have, and no matter my situation, I am the daughter of a King. I am royalty. I belong to my Daddy, who will never leave me nor forsake me, so I don't have to worry about provision, my health or other areas of life.
And as I take tentative steps out of my cell, I grasp His hand and choose to trust Him to lead me into the life of freedom that my soul has quietly been starving for. Even if at times, the steps towards that life feel counter-intuitive.
So when God recently told me through a prophet to start taking down the decorations in my cell because He was opening the door and setting me free, I was bewildered. He also told me that He wanted me to start living again, and I thought, "What does that mean? Am I not living?"
And then I realized that I have been surviving the past decade, more than I have been living it. I have been spending my days as an orphan, being passed from house to house, begging bread crumbs, begging for healing, and not trusting in my Daddy to provide for me. At least, not as much as I could.
As I get to know my Daddy better, I am living more as the daughter of a King, as He intends, but the prophecy reminded me of how much I yet cling to a jailed orphan mentality. I guess it just feels safe. I'm used to the isolation. I'm used to spending most of my waking hours on survival activities- that is, work and treatments. And isn't that just what you have to do when you're disabled by disease?
If you live from a worldly mindset, yes. When you feel like hell warmed over and your medical costs are higher than your rent and groceries combined, you don't have a choice. You have to buckle down, get smart, and find creative ways to survive and get well...or else.
The problem is that for years, I have halfway adopted this worldly mindset, labeling my fear-based living as the "responsible" thing to do. And the worst part of it hasn't even been that I work too hard when my body screams for rest, or that I skip too many Saturday night engagements with friends in favor of "survival activities." No, the worst part has been the fear that impels me to these things.
The fear-based mentality goes like this: If I don't work on the weekend to make up for what I couldn't do during the work week due to an incapacitating detoxification reaction, I won't be able to pay my bills. If I can't start my work day until noon because I have to sleep late every morning, then I sure as heck had better work until bedtime, or God won't be able to provide for me financially. If I skip treatments in favor of needing to feel well in order to work...well then, He can't bless my healing process.
But if I am the daughter of a King, I don't need to think this way, because there is room to be human in His kingdom. There is room to make mistakes. Anyway, He wants me to trust Him more than He wants me to "get it all right." And in His kingdom, He provides for me when I cannot. Which is always.
Ironically, this month, I felt God leading me to start five new projects. Not one, but five, at the same time that He was telling me to rest and get a life. Really? Well, I would if I could, God...but my body doesn't agree that this is possible.
"When you start living again, healing will overtake you," God had said to me in a prophecy that followed the previous one. "You don't need to do another thing to be well...Just start living again."
But when you've been in a cage, it's sometimes difficult to recognize when God is handing you your freedom. It doesn't look like fun. In fact, it feels like more striving.
The odd thing is that the new projects which He is leading me to do are projects that only a healthy person could undertake. Speaking engagements? Really, God? Yet if I stand on the promise that He is setting me free, stepping out shouldn't tax me. It should eventually lead me into a place of greater health, even if at first, it seems impossible.
At the very least, the new projects will get me out of the cage. Whether I then fly depends upon how much I choose to lean upon Him and trust Him to show me how to use my wings.
I don't think God is advocating that I push my body to do what it can't do. People who suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Lyme disease, and other related chronic illnesses, know that the worst thing you can do to your body is push it when you feel bad. One day of skiing a mountain can land a person with CFS in bed for a week and over time, a fast-paced life of too much activity compromises recovery.
No, my Daddy is simply trying to pull me out of my jailbird mentality. My hell has become too comfy-cozy. I may be a miserable little bird at times, but this world of striving and isolation is the one I have, for too long, understood. Apparently.
So this week I decided to obey Him, and accepted a new job interviewing doctors. I also set up two speaking engagements. In the meantime, I maintain my two blogs, and continue to write a new book. I also stepped into a role as a healing minister at my church, and began a different kind of healing ministry with those who know me in the Lyme disease community. I also keep telling people about my medical books...at the same time that I tell them that the best healing isn't through medicine, but God.
Now I must choose to believe that He will enable me to do all this out of a spirit of rest, rather than survival, and that my body can do what He is calling me to do. I must simply share with others what I have learned over the past decade, and know that He will provide for me in ways that He deems best. I can kill the self-imposed deadlines, allow myself to have some bad days, and choose to have fun with loved ones, instead of scavenging bread crumbs like an orphan on my Saturday nights. I can even stop all the medical treatments, because it's probably time.
I don't yet fully understand what freedom looks like. It may also mean traveling the world again, dating and getting married, and doing all of the things people my age do but which I haven't done much of because of infirmity. More than that, though, I think freedom is a mindset. Of knowing that wherever I am, whatever I have, and no matter my situation, I am the daughter of a King. I am royalty. I belong to my Daddy, who will never leave me nor forsake me, so I don't have to worry about provision, my health or other areas of life.
And as I take tentative steps out of my cell, I grasp His hand and choose to trust Him to lead me into the life of freedom that my soul has quietly been starving for. Even if at times, the steps towards that life feel counter-intuitive.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Medicine Versus Faith-Healing
As I sat in the gate area of the Toronto airport this past Sunday, pondering the recent ILADS (International Lyme and Associated Diseases Society) conference, I was overwhelmed, recalling the barrage of treatments that are needed these days to overcome chronic illness. Our environment is extraordinarily polluted: with pathogens, industrial chemicals, heavy metals and other garbage, that staying healthy- never mind healing from chronic illness- is becoming more difficult than ever. That our food supply is so depleted in nutrients and manipulated to the extent that 75 percent of what is now sold in conventional supermarkets is toxic to the body, doesn't help matters any.
Going to medical conferences simultaneously excites and depresses me because of what I learn or am reminded of. New treatments give hope and promise to the suffering, yet the complex regimens required to heal from chronic diseases such as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Lyme disease, fibromyalgia, Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, mold illness, cancer, autism and others, are overwhelming. What's more, many of the sick don't have the incredible amounts of stamina, resources, knowledge or money required to follow these regimens. I know because I am one of these people, despite the fact that I have been researching medicine for over seven years and have more resources than many people.
Of course, God has said that I am healed, and that this healing will completely manifest in me soon. (whatever "soon" means in God's mind). That I don't need to do another darned thing to get well because He intends to finish what medicine has started- by His power; supernaturally. So you can imagine the battle that rages in my mind when I learn about a new, apparently amazing treatment that could finally rid me of this or that infection or biochemical dysfunction. How conflicted I get when a kindhearted physician offers to treat me pro bono or at a discounted rate, or send me free products. I provide a lot of helpful information to the Lyme disease community, so I am sometimes blessed by health care providers who offer me a hand or an ear or a free trial of a product.
During the ILADS conference, a couple of such offers came my way again. Typically, I don't turn them down, because no fool would say No to free help, especially when finances are tight and the companies or doctors who want to assist me are reputable and wise.
I asked God what to do about the offers, since He has told me that He would heal me, without the help of medicine. I probably shouldn't have even asked the question, but when the promise of healing hasn't yet fully manifest and you have spent years trying to get well...the decision is hard. Either way, the decision is hard.
The treatment treadmill is exhausting, time-consuming, expensive, painful and never-ending, yet it takes a boatload of faith to give it up, though God has said in His Word that "by His (My) stripes you are healed." Isaiah 53:5. Maybe the problem is that I tend to become more immersed in medicine than in His Word- it's a hazard of my work as a medical writer.
As I packed to go home from ILADS, I told God that I didn't want my faith in Him as my healer to be diluted by my continued reliance upon medicine for healing. Because medicine has a way of subtly shifting my hope away from God and onto herbs, vitamins and bioidentical hormones as my menders. Supernatural healing doesn't have to be a mutually exclusive way that God heals, but when you are chest-deep in treatment protocols, it is sometimes easier to count on the protocol than on the One who makes the protocol work.
When I take medicine, I wonder about how a particular drug is affecting my body, instead of about how God's Word is touching me. I focus upon the vitamins that I should be taking, instead of meditating upon how He intends to restore every dysfunctional cell in my body by His power.
But as I rose from my seat in the gate area to board my airplane in Toronto, God reminded me of some important truths.
He seemed to say that my faith in Him as my healer isn't contingent upon me taking medicine. I could choose to stop treatments in order to increase my reliance upon Him as my healer, but not taking medicine, in and of itself, doesn't increase faith nor is it proof that I have faith. I may cease to take medicine to try to convince myself that I have faith in God to heal me, or worse, to convince Him to heal me- which I don't need to do.
Conversely, taking medicine doesn't have to diminish my reliance upon, and belief in Him as my healer, if I believe that He blesses the medicine and uses it. As long as I abide in Him and His Word, my faith will remain in Him, not the natural substances and therapies that He uses to heal. On the other hand, if I take medicine because I believe that my faith is insufficient to heal me or that He is waiting for me to do something in order to make me well, then I don't really believe in Him as my healer. Faith isn't increased by the decision to not take medicine, but the decision to take medicine may be a reflection of how much I believe in Him as my healer.
His final words to me in Toronto seemed to be, "Just relax. I will heal you either way." My sense was that He prefers to spare me the trials of medicine- the agonizing detoxification reactions, the money and time and happiness lost by grueling treatments- but He will use it, anyway.
Whether or not I choose to benefit from the benevolence of kind practitioners, He desires that I, that we, remain cognizant of one crucial truth; that He is the healer. He pours supernatural power and light into our cells; He gives doctors wisdom, and He uses the natural substances that He has created. Whatever it takes, to make us better, in body, mind and spirit. Thankfully, He will use whatever methods we respond to in faith. As long as we know that He wants us well, and that He has the power to accomplish what we cannot-whether through medicine or by His Spirit.
Going to medical conferences simultaneously excites and depresses me because of what I learn or am reminded of. New treatments give hope and promise to the suffering, yet the complex regimens required to heal from chronic diseases such as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Lyme disease, fibromyalgia, Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, mold illness, cancer, autism and others, are overwhelming. What's more, many of the sick don't have the incredible amounts of stamina, resources, knowledge or money required to follow these regimens. I know because I am one of these people, despite the fact that I have been researching medicine for over seven years and have more resources than many people.
Of course, God has said that I am healed, and that this healing will completely manifest in me soon. (whatever "soon" means in God's mind). That I don't need to do another darned thing to get well because He intends to finish what medicine has started- by His power; supernaturally. So you can imagine the battle that rages in my mind when I learn about a new, apparently amazing treatment that could finally rid me of this or that infection or biochemical dysfunction. How conflicted I get when a kindhearted physician offers to treat me pro bono or at a discounted rate, or send me free products. I provide a lot of helpful information to the Lyme disease community, so I am sometimes blessed by health care providers who offer me a hand or an ear or a free trial of a product.
During the ILADS conference, a couple of such offers came my way again. Typically, I don't turn them down, because no fool would say No to free help, especially when finances are tight and the companies or doctors who want to assist me are reputable and wise.
I asked God what to do about the offers, since He has told me that He would heal me, without the help of medicine. I probably shouldn't have even asked the question, but when the promise of healing hasn't yet fully manifest and you have spent years trying to get well...the decision is hard. Either way, the decision is hard.
The treatment treadmill is exhausting, time-consuming, expensive, painful and never-ending, yet it takes a boatload of faith to give it up, though God has said in His Word that "by His (My) stripes you are healed." Isaiah 53:5. Maybe the problem is that I tend to become more immersed in medicine than in His Word- it's a hazard of my work as a medical writer.
As I packed to go home from ILADS, I told God that I didn't want my faith in Him as my healer to be diluted by my continued reliance upon medicine for healing. Because medicine has a way of subtly shifting my hope away from God and onto herbs, vitamins and bioidentical hormones as my menders. Supernatural healing doesn't have to be a mutually exclusive way that God heals, but when you are chest-deep in treatment protocols, it is sometimes easier to count on the protocol than on the One who makes the protocol work.
When I take medicine, I wonder about how a particular drug is affecting my body, instead of about how God's Word is touching me. I focus upon the vitamins that I should be taking, instead of meditating upon how He intends to restore every dysfunctional cell in my body by His power.
But as I rose from my seat in the gate area to board my airplane in Toronto, God reminded me of some important truths.
He seemed to say that my faith in Him as my healer isn't contingent upon me taking medicine. I could choose to stop treatments in order to increase my reliance upon Him as my healer, but not taking medicine, in and of itself, doesn't increase faith nor is it proof that I have faith. I may cease to take medicine to try to convince myself that I have faith in God to heal me, or worse, to convince Him to heal me- which I don't need to do.
Conversely, taking medicine doesn't have to diminish my reliance upon, and belief in Him as my healer, if I believe that He blesses the medicine and uses it. As long as I abide in Him and His Word, my faith will remain in Him, not the natural substances and therapies that He uses to heal. On the other hand, if I take medicine because I believe that my faith is insufficient to heal me or that He is waiting for me to do something in order to make me well, then I don't really believe in Him as my healer. Faith isn't increased by the decision to not take medicine, but the decision to take medicine may be a reflection of how much I believe in Him as my healer.
His final words to me in Toronto seemed to be, "Just relax. I will heal you either way." My sense was that He prefers to spare me the trials of medicine- the agonizing detoxification reactions, the money and time and happiness lost by grueling treatments- but He will use it, anyway.
Whether or not I choose to benefit from the benevolence of kind practitioners, He desires that I, that we, remain cognizant of one crucial truth; that He is the healer. He pours supernatural power and light into our cells; He gives doctors wisdom, and He uses the natural substances that He has created. Whatever it takes, to make us better, in body, mind and spirit. Thankfully, He will use whatever methods we respond to in faith. As long as we know that He wants us well, and that He has the power to accomplish what we cannot-whether through medicine or by His Spirit.
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