Jewels From My Journal

God speaks to us in many ways. Through nature, events, circumstances, people, books, the Bible, impressions, dreams, visions, and our thoughts.

During my daily prayer time, I generally spend just as much time listening for God's voice as I do speaking to Him. Maybe it's because I'm a writer, but I hear God best through words, sentences and phrases that come to mind whenever I pray. Over the past few years, I have kept a journal of what He has told me through my conversations with Him. I believe that most of the words that are scrawled within this journal are His. I say "most" because my mind has biases and preferences, and my soul carries wounds- which sometimes get in the way of me hearing perfectly from God.

Still, whenever I reflect upon the pages of my journal, I am struck by certain phrases, which I know are from Him, because they are more insightful, optimistic, encouraging and wise than the normal ramble that races across my mind. And they are consistent with His Word and loving character.

Below I share some of the "jewels" of thought that God has given me over the past year, and which I have recorded in my journal during my private times with Him. I share these in the hopes that they will encourage you, too.

What God has said to me:

"When you don't believe I am good, come to Me and I will show you that I am good"

"Stop being practical and live from My promises, not out of your reason."

"Spend more time in the reality of Me than in the reality of what's happening in the world and in your physical body. This is the only way to peace."

"Your greatest struggle isn't poverty, isolation, or sickness. It's your lack of peace. I will teach you how to have peace in every situation, if you come to Me."

"I build trust through uncertain circumstances, not situations of ease."

"You don't have to seek Me, believe Me, or obey Me perfectly in order for My will to be fulfilled in you."

"I can use you, through your mistakes and though your heart's motives towards Me are imperfect."

"I am not the means to your end. I am the end that provides your means."

"If you take to heart the things I have told you about your identity in Me, you will start to see opportunities. It is not opportunities you need, but knowledge of your identity in Me and and who I am for you."

"When people are healed with medicine, there is no recognition that it was because of my Son's work. They may know I blessed the treatment, but it's not the same as understanding that my Son died on a Cross so that they could be (supernaturally) healed. That understanding only happens with miracles."

"Your (healing) testimony isn't going to be that a treatment protocol made you well. Neither you nor your doctors will receive that glory. Only I can heal you fully."

"Remember, every promise I have given you will be challenged by the enemy. When things become especially dark, that is because the dawn is coming."

"Thanking Me and praising Me tears away the veil of lies you believe (about yourself and others)."

"Belief isn't a feeling; it's a choice."

"You want a complicated answer, but the answer is simple: Spend time with Me. That is how you believe and receive. By knowing who I Am."

"Do more things that inspire you. This will teach you how to live out of your heart, not your mind."

"There is grace for your suffering, but at the same time, there are spiritual laws. Words create reality. You must understand this. But my Spirit indwells you and enables you to create the reality I have in mind for you."

"Look to me to help you. Do you want to be well? Then immerse yourself in Me, though it costs you everything."

"When you are suffering and in pain, invert reality. Speak the opposite of what you feel. Do the opposite of what you feel like doing, and great power will be released. All things are possible with my Spirit."

"You say you can't do what I ask of you, but don't forget, I am your helper, and I work in you to will and to do all things."

"Life feels like it's falling apart to you, but the truth is, you are being prepared and aligned. Stop exalting the enemy's attacks against you. Exalt My promises and what I have told you are my plans for you."

"Man's greatest challenge has always been to believe Me. The Bible is filled with such stories. But all things are possible if you have faith."

"Don't be content with 'crumbs' in your relationships- I have come that you may have life, and have it more abundantly."

"I know you are tired, and I grieve with you."

"The core of your pain is that you believe I have rejected you, and the pain has been reinforced by the circumstances of your life. You can't heal this. I must do it-and I will do it- in my time."

"My people believe everything they hear but what comes from my Word. They believe in recession and in the reports of disaster. But what about My report and My promises of abundance?"

"One day you will receive that flood of My presence that you are seeking. Until then, learn to experience me in the more subtle, day-to-day expressions of life."

"Trust, praise and thankfulness open a lot of doors."

"Continue to insist upon the power of your words, and you will see things change in your life. Even if you don't believe at first."

"I like it when you think of Me."

"I delight in spending time with you."

"You don't need to speak words of truth to convince me to bless you, but to convince you that I want to bless you."

"I am a God of detail. I like to know the details of your life. Even those which you consider to be insignificant."

"Rest. Be at peace. I am your provider."

"Don't invent quotas for spending time with Me. Let your time with Me be without compulsion."

"Seek Me with all your heart, that you may remain grounded in truth and forget every reminder of the enemy's work in your life."

"Dare to trust Me."

"Do you know what it's like to be friends with someone apart from what they can do for you? Strive for that kind of friendship with Me."

"Focus on what I have already done for you. It will open the door for you to receive more."

"I know the difficult position you are in, and I am coming to rescue you."

"Don't lie in your bed in the morning and meditate upon lies. Meditate upon my Word."

"You don't need a (physical) remedy. You need to declare the truth about who you are in Me. That you are loved, loveable and capable of giving love to others."

"I don't need you to heal yourself. I just need you to trust Me."

"Your latter years will be greater than your former years. I will restore every year that the locusts have stolen away."

"Meditate upon the fact that I died so that you could have the power that raised Jesus from the dead residing in you. And that this power (the Holy Spirit)enables you to do all things."

"I long for you to seek Me and spend time with Me just for the sake of being with Me. I enjoy being with you. I adore you. I delight in you."

Discovering the Why and What of Our Desires and Gifts

When I was a young child, I once asked my mom out of the blue, "Mommy, where's South America?" I subsequently developed a fascination with the Amazon, Latin people and the Spanish language.

When I signed up for my first Spanish class at age 13, and before I knew a word of the language besides "Hola", I knew that I was going to love it and be good at speaking it. And I knew that one day I would travel to South America and that my heart would remain there.

How could I have known these things, never having experienced Latin America or known what it was like to speak Spanish? I believe it's because God birthed them into my heart.

The things that intrigue and fascinate us, as well as our natural gifts, are often clues to God's destiny for us, though we may not realize it when we first discover them. He didn't fit us with interests, passions and likes for nothing, though we may be tempted to think so, especially when He hasn't (apparently) used them much in our lives, or we believe that their use is solely for recreational purposes.

I studied Spanish throughout high school and college. Though I enjoyed it, it was also tedious to learn. For years, I didn't see the fruit of my labor, and until I graduated from college, Spanish was little more than a series of mental exercises for me. And as a Spanish major in college, I wondered how it would be useful in a career. At times, I have believed that I should have been more practical and studied engineering or marketing or something else that would have been (supposedly) more useful in the business world.

But over the past seventeen years, God has used my ability to speak Spanish and my love for Latin America in ways that have exceeded my wildest dreams.

For instance, I never imagined that by age 20, (and after having lived in Argentina as an exchange student for a year), I would speak Spanish with a fluency and accent that would confuse some into thinking that I had been raised in Latin America. I never would have guessed that by the time I was 30, I would have traveled to nearly every country south of Mexico, and lived for short periods of time in Venezuela and Costa Rica, in addition to Argentina.

Yet as precious as the gifts of travel and becoming fluent in another language have been for me, much more has come of the desire that God birthed in me to learn Spanish and become enamored with all things south of the border. Perhaps most important are the deep friendships that I have developed with Spanish speakers. Second to that are the eyes and ears that I now have to see how people of other cultures think, live and experience God. I have also developed more profound insights into my own culture, as I compare and contrast the society in which I live, to the different societies of Latin America.

I have also used Spanish in my work- as a medical interpreter, translator, Spanish instructor, flight attendant, and missionary. I have used it to communicate God's love to people in Guatemala, Colombia, Bolivia, Ecuador, Costa Rica, Cuba and beyond. Just yesterday, I used it to pray for a beggar on the street, who couldn't work due to severe back problems. As she wiped tears from her cheeks, I realized that God had healed her. When she confirmed this, and showed me how she could move parts of her body that she couldn't move before, I was, once again, thankful for my gift. I have used it to dispel myths about Americans to Latinos, and myths about Latinos to Americans. I have used it to create a bridge between my culture and that of others.

Travel for me these days is hard. I don't sleep well, and Latin America is really the last place that a sleepless soul who needs peace and quiet to rest, should be. As I write this from a balcony fronting the ocean on the Guanacaste peninsula of Costa Rica, I am reminded that the sleeplessness, along with other symptoms that I suffer from, aren't for forever. Because I think that God intends to my gifts for an even greater purpose, and this purpose can't be accomplished unless I am able to sleep and function in the places that I used to travel to- places more rustic and less comfortable than my friend's plush beach condominium in Costa Rica.

But just as, at the age of 13, I couldn't have guessed all that God would use my gifts and passions for, at the moment, I can't fathom the even greater ways in which He will use them, but I sense that He's just getting started with me.

How do I know for sure? I don't, but every time I am nudged to read a Mario Vargas Llosa novel, or pray over a beggar, I sense something bigger in the works beyond the activity at hand.

I share my experience to encourage those of you who have wondered if your passions are for a purpose; if your interests aren't just for your own enjoyment, and if God desires to do something great with the natural gifts and desires that He's given you.

God is glorified when we explore, express and use our natural gifts for His Kingdom. Sometimes, what seems like a useless talent or frivolous dream is really the seed of a majestic plant that God intends to grow and use to draw people to Him, although life sometimes has a way of squashing the seeds that God has planted within us. Yet if we ask Him to resurrect our dreams; to show us the what and why of our passions, and to develop that which He has placed within us, we will see those seeds bearing fruit that satisfies us in a way that goes beyond selfish pleasure, recreation or vain ambition. There is nothing wrong with pleasure, but sometimes, God desires to take something that gives us pleasure and use it for the good of others, too.

Recalling your childhood interests and fantasies, and exploring the pure, innocent passions of your youth, may help you to discover how God intends to use all that He has placed within your soul.

Knowing why and for what we were given talents and desires, helps to sustain us during times of trial or uncertainty and to have hope when life seems to offer none. Just as I didn't know at age 13 that God meant to use my love of Spanish and Latin America for so many purposes, so you may not know, until you ask Him, the entire reason for the talents and loves that He has placed within your heart. And if you have forgotten how to dream; if you can't remember what stirs your soul to life, and what awakens joy within you, ask God to resurrect those things, that you may once again, dare to dream with Him.

Choosing Redemption

Lately, God has been revealing to me some ugly truths about my consecration-or lack thereof-to Him. As His light shines upon the dark spaces in my soul, I realize how much of my relationship with Him has been based upon my need for Him, rather than my love for Him. I see how much of my ministry has been based upon selfish motives, and how the cocktail of my thoughts is more often a bitter brew than a sweet Spirit-filled punch. And He's been showing me how these bitter thoughts stem from unresolved anger that I harbor towards Him- anger which began in my childhood and which has subtly choked my relationship with Him over the years.

Roots of bitterness aren't easily yanked from soil that has been rained on, packed down and fertilized by a lifetime of trials, so I don't think God is disappointed that I can't just rip the suckers out with my hands. The traumas I have endured have been severe, and my need for grace has been infinite. Yet I had hoped that after a decade of following Him wholeheartedly, my love for Him would be deeper, and my consecration to Him, greater.

If I ever thought that being in full-time ministry was my calling, I discarded the idea a couple of weeks ago. Well, sort of. I simply decided that I couldn't be used by God in my current condition and that my soul was too shredded to ever come to a truly profound knowledge of His love for me. I'm a walking bag of loveless, irritable bones these days. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe it's the pain in my hip and back. Or maybe I'm using these problems as excuses to feed those bitter roots of disappointment in God. In any case, God would never use such a person in high levels of ministry, lest the sharks of pride or something worse eat me alive.

Or have I simply been believing a fantastic lie about my usefulness to God and my ability to receive from Him? In any case, the enemy threw some well-harvested salt into the wound created by this belief at a Christian conference this weekend.

I preface this story by saying that God's love towards us and our love for Him can't always be measured by our feelings. Feelings are subject to our biochemistry, and faith has nothing to do with our neurotransmitters, hormones or other chemicals that affect our mood and thoughts.

So when the Holy Spirit touches people, especially at charismatic and Pentecostal healing conferences, and His presence manifests in us as feelings of joy, tears of release, and other warm fuzzy expressions, such feelings shouldn't be used as the barometer by which we measure the quality of our relationship with God.

But everyone still wants a warm fuzzy from God, because fuzzies touch our emotions and help us to feel reassured that He loves us.

So when I was literally (or so it seemed) the only conference attendee this weekend who didn't receive a powerful physical or emotional manifestation of God's presence in my inner being, the enemy vanquished Truth from my mind and said to me, See? You can't even receive God's love.

Normally, my thoughts don't descend into such a dark pit simply because I fail to fall to the ground under the power of God's Spirit, or I don't sense His presence when a well-anointed minister comes and imparts the Spirit to me. But I have never witnessed such a powerful anointing upon one of God's ministers as that which I saw this weekend, and yet never felt so strongly like I was the only one who couldn't be a part of what God was doing.

Shirley Strand was the minister, and as she prophesied and extended her hand to impart God's Spirit to each one of the forty-some women who came to the altar to receive from God, I watched many of them fall to the ground, with shouts of joy, tears of laughter, and other obvious physical manifestations of God's presence.

Usually, in these type of services, not everyone exhibits visible evidence of having been touched by God, but this time, nearly everyone that I saw, did. It was amazing. Every time I looked up to see what God was doing...Bam! Someone was falling down under the power of the Holy Spirit.

But when Shirley prayed over me, I felt nothing. As tears welled in my eyes, I looked at her and said, "I can't receive from God."

She prayed over me once again and still, I felt nothing. She ordered me to sit down, and as I watched her continue to minister over other people, grief filled my chest. Instead of comforting me, God seemed to be confirming my earlier suspicions that I was beyond being touched by Him...beyond redemption, beyond ever sensing His love in the way that I so desperately needed to.
Beyond ever being used greatly in ministry.

But the next thing I knew, Shirley was standing in front of me again. She said to me, "Okay, get up. You're going to come minister with me."

I forced a smile, though I'm sure my expression screamed devastation. If it wasn't, my soul certainly was, but nobody seemed to notice as Shirley took my arm and raised it to the people still awaiting a touch from God. As my hand touched their faces, they collapsed backwards, releasing peals of laughter and shrieks of joy as they went. Some simply fell, struck by the power of God flowing through my hand as Shirley moved me from one person to another. Granted, it was her anointing, not mine, touching the people. I was simply her puppet, but I didn't understand in that grief-stricken moment that God was doing something with me besides trying to get me to smile.

My grief intensified as the women fell. Everyone in the room seemed to be receiving a touch from God--that is, everyone but me- the instrument that ironically, He was using to drop the people to the ground like sacks of potatoes.

Maybe Shirley just wanted to cheer me up, I thought. After all, it was her anointing that was touching the people, not mine. Anyway, I was too bitter to be used by God in that moment...or was I?

The message became clearer when one of the women who had organized the conference came over to me and prophesied over me. She said, "You are a healing minister. I saw it all over you the second you walked through the door (of the church)."

She then told me she thought that it was no accident that Shirley had asked me to stand and minister to the people, because she thought that God was calling me to do the work of an evangelist, too.

It's not the first time I have heard it, or the second, or the third. We are all called to pray for the healing of one another, but as the conference concluded, I realized that God was yet calling me to a position of higher authority in ministry. He still believed that I could be healed of my wounds, and when that happened, it would unfold into the fulfillment of an amazing promise.

I didn't receive a touch from the Holy Spirit as I had hoped this weekend, but as I left the conference, I realized that God had yet reached out to me- knowing, perhaps, that using my hand in ministry and receiving words of prophecy were the only ways that I would be able to sense His love, and receive the knowledge that He yet intended to do great things with my life, despite what I believed about myself. I could have chosen to ignore the signs, and the message. I could have said to myself, "Shirley just asked me to minister with her because she felt sorry for me. The prophet called me a healing minister-but aren't we all?"

As I drove home, I realized that how I decided to view the situation meant the difference between growing my bitter roots towards God or taking another step towards uprooting them.

As difficult as it was to choose, I finally decided that God using my hand in ministry was meant to be a foreshadowing of the fulfillment of one of His great promises in my life. The prophecy was meant to confirm that He intends to use me in an even greater capacity as a healing minister, and that He yet thinks I'm divine material for that purpose. That my lack of consecration, irritability and intermittent bitterness are no hindrance to the fulfillment of His promises for my life- if I keep seeking to be healed from them. But like a surgeon who removes infection with a scalpel or a knife, God must first bring my infection into the light, before He begins the painful work of cutting it out, so that I may eventually be healed.

The choice I made at the conference to believe that I am one of God's sheep, instead of a stubborn little mule who is too broken to receive anything from Him, wasn't just for yesterday. As the daily stresses of life press upon me and symptoms continue to poke at my happiness, I realize that I must continue to choose to see His love and promises through the grind of my day-to-day existence, instead of focusing upon difficult circumstances that blind me to His Truths.

The devil is always looking to slap a blindfold across our eyes and tell us that we aren't really chosen, loved or created by God for great things. He would have us believe that we are more screwed up than any other; that our messes make it impossible for us to receive from God or be used by Him. That lie has never hit me so forcefully as it did this past weekend.

But then God reminded me that the darkest hour in our lives is sometimes just before the dawn. Though I yet long for God to descend upon me with flurries of warm fuzzies, I realize that to see the dawn, I must stop expecting Him to love me my way, and instead allow Him to love me His way. And I must know that He doesn't give up on me, even when I give up on me. Only then, will I perceive His gestures of love towards me in the darkness.

May we know in our heart of hearts that we are not beyond redemption. May we know that there is no soul on this earth that the power of Jesus Christ can't touch, and no wound that He can't heal. May we know that our circumstances and emotions are no reflection of His love towards us, and that when we are tempted to see them as such, we must look to the Cross and know that we are loved, simply because of what He did for us there.

Satiating The Need For Solutions

It is human nature to find security in solutions. If we know what job we are supposed to hold; which relationships to pursue; what health remedies to take...if we feel confident in the strategies and opportunities presented to us, we feel safe.

Personally, I'm always in pursuit of something. I'm inquisitive but my need for answers sometimes stems from fear. What looks like logic, common sense, healthy pondering or seeking...is really fear. Fear masks itself as many things. One of its more subtle manifestations is in the fierce pursuit of solutions, whether or not God is involved in the chase.

God has made us curious beings. He has designed us to be seekers of knowledge. But as respected evangelist Leif Hetland said in a meeting at my church last week, "We are a society with much knowledge, but little wisdom." (my paraphrase).

And I wonder if our insatiable desire for knowledge is sometimes a sneaky counterfeit for security in the Lord. Knowledge leads to solutions... which leads to feelings of safety...or so we think.

I have been researching medicine for nearly a decade now, yet the more I learn, the more I realize that I know very little about how to heal the body. Medical knowledge is, in some ways, like a drug to me. Every new discovery infuses me with an emotional high at the promise of what it will bring- to the health of my body and that of others. But when that knowledge doesn't fulfill its illusory promise to heal me or thousands of others, disappointment deluges my soul.

The same can be said for any type of knowledge that we pursue. While sometimes useful, valid, important and intriguing- when we lean on knowledge instead of the One who gives all knowledge, we get into trouble.

This is because pursuing solutions for the sake of security blinds us to the right information that God would have us use for the furtherance of His Kingdom, our well being, and that of others. It also puts our hope in the wrong place- in our intellect, or in God's resources, instead of in Him.

Knowledge is important, but wisdom is better. Wisdom teaches us what to do with what we know, how to apply it, and how to submit it to God's will. Wisdom admonishes us to use knowledge as a tool, not a security blanket, and keeps our hope centered in the proper place-upon Him.

Wisdom enables us to take comfort in the apparent absence of solutions; in the scarcity of immediate answers and knowledge which we believe will get us to where we need to go.

In my life, wisdom admonishes me to trust when I don't know how to cure my insomnia. It teaches me how to sift the valuable medical knowledge that I gather from the chaff, and it shows me how to rest, when God isn't flashing neon signs across my conscience.

Living without solutions- or when the only solution is to be content to have none- is difficult. Yet it is also freeing, because it can teach us to rely upon and submit to God, knowing that the answers will come when, and if, we need them. Often, what we think we need to know, we would be better off without. Society clutters our minds with news, facts, theories, trends, and advertisements that aren't of God, but which we strive to sort from the stuff that God gives us.

I wonder what would happen, for example, if every person in the United States closed their eyes to any text but the Bible for a week? If we agreed to disregard all that we know- "except for Christ Jesus and Him crucified" (1 Cor. 2:2)? Rather than sentence us to a narrow-minded existence, I believe it would open our eyes and ears to gold mines of knowledge- the likes of which we really need.

I confess, as of late, I have been led astray because my faith, and security, has been in solutions. I have believed that my survival depends upon having the right answers, not the right Counselor, who, while silent at times, desires so deeply to provide for me, even when my mind and soul are blank.

Our desperate searching for solutions will not cease unless we choose to trust God with what we don't know- and what we do. Sometimes, I think He allows all solutions to be snatched away from us for a time, for our own good. So that we may learn to rest and have peace in Him, rather than in the need for answers. May He be the only answer we need.

Moving Into Costly, Yet Priceless Higher Places

Upon the heels of a major breakthrough in my healing this month, came two more significant trials. After having experienced a week of amazing health (perhaps the best since 2004), I was hit with insomnia unlike anything I have ever experienced before. No exaggeration. It has been two radical extremes. The six hours of prayer ministry that I received three weeks ago released me from some major strongholds, and for the first time in years, my blood pressure normalized, my energy soared, and despair vanished. When this continued for a full week, hope rose in my heart- yet it was tentative. So when a friend said to me, "If you think you have been healed, why aren't you jumping up and down with excitement?" I explained to him that it's hard to do that when you've been in prison for so long. The freedom just feels too good to be true, and you fear trusting it.

Besides, I've had windows of feeling well throughout my journey with Lyme disease. Although...this time it felt somewhat different.

I'm not sure if the insomnia and attack upon a very important relationship in my life were the retaliation in the spirit world for the freedom I had attained following the prayer, but it made sense that if the enemy could get me to become so sleep-deprived to the point of not being able to work or drive a car, I would doubt I had been set free at all. If he could get me to sink into despair over the potential loss of a close friend that I deeply loved- this would further destroy my health.

As I shed copious tears of frustration, I felt God asking me to take His hand and to come up into a higher place of Truth with Him. Moving into higher places with God always has a cost, because it means thinking and doing things that are hard, or which feel unsafe. It means trusting that what He has said He will do, He does, and that what promises, He makes come true- despite the lack of visible evidence. This time, it meant accepting apparent deprivation, making some difficult choices, and staying in the reality of my new found health freedom- though darkness was once again coming against that freedom.

Whenever I don't trust God, moving into higher places with Him feels costly. Yet whenever I am able to trust Him, I know that getting to the higher places is priceless, and that the cost is worth it.

Some months ago, God gave me a prophetic dream. In this dream, I was in a department store, and I had to try on three different evening gowns. The first dress that I tried on- a pink one- was too tight for me. The second- a vibrant purple one- was just slightly too big. The third- a red, frilly dress- fit me perfectly, though I didn't like it much. In the Bible, colors have meanings- both positive and negative. When I asked for revelation of the dream, I was told, "The pink dress didn't fit you, because you have outgrown childish things. The red dress fits you because you are in a season of spiritual warfare (red in this case, signified warfare). I wanted to wear the purple dress, but God told me I wasn't ready to wear it yet. Several months later, He told me through my prayers that He wanted to put me in the purple dress, but that I needed to overcome certain harmful attitudes and behaviors in my relationship with Him-especially unbelief. Purple in the Bible means royalty, and is also synonymous with the gifts of leadership and administration.

Because two of my spiritual gifts are leadership and administration, I took the dream and God's words as a sign that He desires to move me into places of higher authority, in my work and life's calling. But first, I must move into higher places with Him. This requires doing what feels counter-intuitive to my heart and mind, in order to overcome those sins that keep me from being fully free.

God's kingdom is like that, though. Upside down and counter-intuitive. Upside down because the person who wants to be greatest in the kingdom must humble themselves and become a servant; and counter-intuitive because blessings sometimes come from doing what feels wrong and unsafe to the carnal mind, but which is right in God's kingdom.

Only when we trust God can we effectively submit our thought processes and behaviors to Him, especially when we desperately think we are right (but He is silently suggesting otherwise). It takes courage to heed that voice, and even greater courage to do what He asks, because it opposes worldly philosophies, carnal knowledge, circumstances and most importantly, our heart, which screams for our needs to be met-right now.

When life is rough, I struggle to believe that God cares about my needs. Though His hand is extended, I recoil because I fear what going into the Higher places means. Is it not just a place of servitude and more trials? How do I know I can count on His Word to do what it says? After all, just look at the evidence of my life...all the disappointments and grief... Besides, it's just so hard to do what He asks. That whole delayed gratification thing just seems to extend into infinity.

But then I remember the purple dress, and the multiple times that God has shown me the color purple, through visions, dreams and prophecies of recent years. The promises He has given me- though they have been countered, not only by circumstances, but by well-meaning practical friends in the world who pooh-pooh prophecy and the notion that God gives us personalized promises today.

Still, I want to wear that dress, and I want my freedom. So though sleep-deprived, I have decided to reach for His hand...May He give me the grace to hold on, and may the conviction of truth propel me into those Higher places, where deception, despair, sickness, loneliness and sadness cannot survive. May He encourage all of us to take His hand, because it was for our freedom that Christ Jesus died- on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Growing Up Into God...from Performance to Prosperity

Our acceptance by others in society is often based upon our performance towards them. We learn that if we jump through the right hoops; be witty, smart and intriguing to others, we'll win friends and influence people. If we do things right, we'll be rewarded. If we make the right decisions, life will go well with us. For some of us, as children, the praise we got for getting an "A" on our report cards, or the punishment that was meted out to us for failing to live up to our caregivers' expectations, taught us early on that, "If you do well, you will be loved. If you mess up, you'll be rejected."

God's love isn't like that. Yet we often have to walk with Him for years before we can scratch the surface of the reality that He loves and accepts us for who we are, and what we do or don't do.

We drag our performance-based mental patterns into relationship with Him, and begin to "do" for Him, in order to receive from Him. We praise Him, because we are told it brings blessing. We feed the poor, because we think we will garner His favor if we do. We read the Bible, because that's what we're supposed to do if we want to grow in Him-right?

The Church encourages us in our endeavors with a long list of "shoulds" and "oughts" and sermons that proclaim, "If you do this...then you will get this..."

Our belief is this: Get on God's good side, and follow His commandments, and He'll meet your every need.

But then we screw up. We curse our friends. We gossip about our spouses. We complain, bicker, lie and manipulate. We fail to read God's Word. We get too tired to pray. Distractions keep us from spending time in the presence of the Lord.T hen our bills mount. Our health fails. Loved ones leave us, and we logically conclude: "Uh oh. I must be screwing up too much". And then we think, "...Maybe if I prayed more...maybe if I stopped speaking so many negative words...God would bless me."

We then resolve to do better. We devise a routine that will help us to get into God's Word. We come up with strategies for remaining in His presence, and determine to do so-come hell or high water. We promise God we'll try harder, in the hopes that our promises will move Him to take away our debt, heal our broken bodies, or restore our relationships.

Yes, praising God brings us closer to Him. Serving our neighbor, instead of cursing him, attracts God's favor and blessing. Remaining in His Word transforms us. And there is a heck of a lot of truth to, "If you do X, you will get Y..." The Bible is full of admonitions to do this in order to get that. Kind of like the way the world works, right?

Well...not exactly. In God's realm, obedience and the blessings that result, come as a byproduct of experiencing God's presence. They are the end that results from the means, rather than being a means to an end. In the world, we "do" because we want to get. In relationship with God, we do because we have already received.

Obedience in the former scenario is based on performance, while in the latter, it is the natural outcome of being a vessel through whom God operates.

Don't think I get this. I don't. If I did, I wouldn't still subconsciously wonder at times what I still need to do in order for God to heal me. Thoughts of, "If I just had the right thoughts, God could bless me. If I just spoke positive words of affirmation more, the law of God's healing would take effect and I would be free."

These are tortuous thoughts for a soul that battles severe symptoms on a regular basis. Really? God expects me to be happy and positive when I hurt like heck most of the time? I don't think so.

And when well-meaning souls inside the church foist that sometimes harmful belief, "Happiness is a choice" upon the afflicted, it brings the afflicted into deeper bondage because the despondent response of their souls is, "I have tried to be happy...but I just can't. I hurt too much. But maybe this is why God can't heal me...I'm not positive enough."

I'm not condoning laziness or an attitude of victimization. God gave us an assignment and the power to bind the devil and obey His Word, but sanctification isn't achieved overnight. Also, it's nothing we can bring about by our own free will. Because we have to know who we are in Him first, and more importantly, who He is for us, if we are to be the vessels of love and power that He has created us to be. And only He can bring that revelation to us. For if it's up to us in the end, then He isn't really our Savior. He is at best, an advocate who admonishes us to pull ourselves up by our own frayed little bootstraps- something that not even the most self-determined of the wounded can do.

At the 2011 Voice of the Apostles conference, Pastor Rodney Hogue described what he called "The Three Stages of Christian Growth." He said that in the first stage, the newborn Christian is like a baby; self-focused, with only an ability to receive from God. Their only thought is, "Me, me, me." Because that's how babies are. They can't give. They can only receive from their caregivers, but as they do, they grow into maturity. No wise parent would expect their baby to give anything back to them, for the baby is helpless, ignorant and innocent. And as newborn Christians, God is the same with us.

As we mature in our walk with the Lord, and grow up into young adults, we move into the second stage of Christian growth. In this stage, we begin to focus on others, and give to them as well as receive from them-and God.

In the third stage of our growth, we become mature adults, who not only serve others, but also see life from God's perspective. When others see us in this stage, they see Jesus.

According to Rodney, if we try to bypass being a baby before God, and neglect to receive from Him, and instead start out our walk as newborn Christians by "doing" for Him, then our works for God will be borne out of performance, instead of being a natural outflow of our relationship with Him.

We can't give away to others what we haven't received from God. And until we are children before Him, and He grows us up into Him, we will be giving to others out of our own strength, rather than His. We will operate for Him instead of through Him.

Some of us have never learned to receive from God, because society has taught us that we must earn His favor and approval, in order to receive from Him. But it is He who first gives to us, so that we can give back to Him and the world. His Word says: "We love because He has first loved us" (1 John 4:19).

The fastest way to kill a performance-based relationship with God is to become like a little child (or a baby!) before Him. If you started your Christian walk at Stage Two instead of Stage One, it's okay to go backwards and become that little baby that you never were before Him. God is okay with it-no, He delights in it!- because He knows that true progress forward in our walk with Him can't happen until He has fed, nurtured and grown us up into Him.

Let Him give to you-extravagantly and abundantly-, as you just lie there and cry out to Him, expecting Him to meet your every need. Be the innocent, ignorant, whiny, whimpering, noise-making baby that you never got to be. And most importantly, drop the silly notion that babies are supposed to serve their Daddies. Let Daddy nurture and love you, so that as you mature, His love will start to flow naturally from you. Because then, and only then, will your service to Him be from the heart, and not from a place of performance. And only then will you have true peace.

Insights into Warfare and What's Ahead for 2012

Since 9-11, 2001, life has been incredibly difficult for some of God's people. The fall of this year, according to a few well-respected prophets, was supposed to mark the beginning of transition out of these trials. For me, this fall has been perhaps the most difficult season I have ever endured, but this past week, I felt the winds of change sweep radically across the terrain of my life. I sense that a new found freedom is upon me, but also upon many who have been living under oppression since the events of 9-11.

Some prophets, such as John Paul Jackson, say that 2012 will be a year of great woes for the world, but that God will provide for those who turn to Him and trust Him for all things. Amidst the darkness of natural disasters, a floundering economy, terrorist threats, war, and all that plagues our world, God's light will shine most brilliantly in those who focus upon what He's doing in the world, instead of upon what the enemy of our souls is trying to do. And God is rescuing those that have been oppressed since 9-11, so that they may be radically used by Him to bring freedom to others in the year to come.

But we must know that the problem in our world isn't a lack of jobs, Lyme disease, war, hurricanes, cancer, or that our wives are alcoholics and our children drug addicts.

The problem is that we are waging a war in spiritual places, which can't be won with the weapons that are available to us in the natural realm, because the powers that are against us are greater than the resources of the natural world. But if we know that God lives within us, and that He has given us dominion over the powers and principalities of darkness, then we can change our circumstances- through the weapons that He has given us to overcome.

But we can't know how great these weapons are until we use them. Yet most of us are so accustomed to living according to our senses that until we witness God's power, we still rely upon our flesh and the things of the natural realm for our well being. And while God has given us tools in this world to enable our survival and to overcome, the real victories are won through His Spirit.

This past week, God gave me some keys. With those keys, He opened new doors of insight into my suffering and showed me why I have been unable to overcome chronic illness for so many years.

Let me preface this with an explanation. When you are sick, and the cause is purely biochemical, you can take a medical remedy and the body will heal. When the cause is emotional, if you heal the trauma, the physical body also heals. But if the cause of sickness is spiritual, then dismantling the strongholds that have kept the disease in place is imperative for healing, because the spiritual realm transcends that of body and soul.

I used to think that addressing all three realms- the physical, emotional and spiritual- were all important for healing. Yet for some, dealing with the spiritual causes of disease, may be sufficient for change to occur in the other two realms.

To my surprise, I recently discovered that my battle has been mostly a result of spiritual strongholds- which were set in place the day of my birth, and reinforced throughout my life. And I believe that disease is, for many people, a result of such strongholds- not toxins or infections. These only take root in the body whenever principalities and powers of darkness are able to create strongholds that weaken the soul and body and leave it susceptible to illness.

It isn't just about healing the Daddy wounds. It isn't just about forgiving your neighbor. It's about learning about strategies that powers of darkness use against people, and praying specifically against those. Unfortunately, precious few books and churches exist to explain what these are. But if you pick up a book on witchcraft, demonic curses and Satanic rituals, and ask God for discernment, you may get insights into your suffering that may set you and others free. More people are afflicted by these things than what most of us realize.

The knowledge that I received this past week about the strongholds that keep people in bondage- and not just physical bondage, but emotional, financial and otherwise- transcends common knowledge about healing the soul, and it is knowledge which I believe is now setting me free from many years of agony and pain. When the time is right, I will share specifics about my experience. In the meantime, I simply wish to encourage those of you who are suffering, to look beyond the natural realm for the solutions to your problems. Ask God for the keys that will unlock the doors to your freedom. Don't assume you know what they are, and that you know how to use them.

I have suffered for many years, partially because I have relied upon my own wisdom to survive, instead of leaning wholly upon God. I am an intelligent person, so it's been easy for me to do this. But intelligence is a thing of the natural realm, and thus, it has only served me in battles pertaining to this realm. It has not enabled me to win the war that has been waged against my life in the spiritual world.

God's ways are infinitely higher than ours, but He is faithful to deliver us if we seek Him with all of our heart, mind and soul. We may be little people with small minds, but we serve a great God.

Yet I am of good cheer. The heaviness that has been upon me these past two months is dissipating, and I believe 2012 will be a magnificent year, not only for me, but for all those who seek God. If only we know that He, and only He, can give us the wisdom that we need to prosper- in every area of our lives.

Happy New Year!